Locked Lips

I shut down everything for a while. I didn't lurk....I didn't even check my e-mails for over a week. Things have been really rough.

Two weeks ago we had a scare involving x-rays, waiting for a phone call, the mention of cancer, cat scans done, waiting for a phone call, no cancer , yes to pneumonia, blood tests, waiting for a phone call...........it was incredibly stressful, but incredible in other ways as well. We clung together as we never had before. I can't really describe it, but it was the most intimate experience I have ever had, even though fear was underlying everything.

At the end of that week, it was confirmed there was no serious illness, but he was still struggling with his bodies overreactive defense to what is a fairly common illness.

Suddenly, he was gone. Mentally he just completely retreated. I tried to reach out and was rebuffed, rejected. I tried to make a suggestion and he reacted overly harsh. Yes, it was the third time I had made the suggestion....in a month. I didn't deserve that reaction. I tried to be patient and understanding, but after the stressful, but incredible week before, I started to resent it.

As the week went on, I became more and more angry. In the middle of all this, family came over. We host Thanksgiving Dinner every year. There could be from 10 to 20 people and a deep fried turkey.

It continued on, him pulling more and more away from me. It was just me. He spoke very gently, teasingly to our daughter, was incredible patient with our son, but the sight of me seemed to irritate him. Saturday we had to go out shopping for a piece of furniture. He tried to be more normal, but half of his responses were still snapped at me. I became more and more angry. Before we started this journey in DD, I would have been angry, but I would have just withdrawn to protect myself. Now, I was unbelievably pissed and chomping at the bit to take him on. The only thing that stopped me from laying into him was the fact that he was still so sick. When we got home that afternoon, he retreated to the bed room and completely shut me out. Yes, my anger was climbing. I was vibrating with it.

That night, he was already in bed, lights out, but not asleep when I joined him. Unfortunately for me, Contrary Carrie was there as well. Stiletto heels and curled lip complete. Seriously, if he had turned on the lights he would have seen my lip curled almost up to my nose and nose tilted to the air in complete disgust and distain. GRRRRR! We lie there for an hour and a half. I felt him slowly realize, even in the dark, there was danger.  Here was Contrary Carrie at her best. I wanted him to reach for me, to initiate......you know. Yeah, my hormones were raging (maybe adding fuel to the fire?). But if he had, I do believe I would have attacked.

My mind was circling with everything I wanted to say to him, accusations, recriminations, ultimatums........ I couldn't take it anymore and left the bed. He was still awake. We never said a word to each other.

Fortunately, with distance some sanity returned. I spent the next several hours reviewing my options. A little more sane then the ultimatums I wanted to fling at him while lying in bed. Those ultimatums would have left me stuck in a position I didn't want to be really.

At a little after 3 a.m., I was calmer, Carrie had left in disgust a while before and I went to bed. It helped that he was a sleep.

I was hoping that on Sunday we would have our weekly time together (it hasn't happened in two weeks) running errands and sitting somewhere enjoying a coffee and talking. I was going to bring everything up in a calm way.


HE INVITED THE KIDS TO JOIN US! I was shocked. Did he do this on purpose to avoid a discussion? Before my shock could turn to anger, he turned to me uncertainly and after a few seconds he put his arm around me and pulled me to him. I allowed it, put held myself stiff. I wasn't going to get over it that easily.

"So, you're over me aren't you?"

"Which part of you do you think I am over?"

"me being sick......."

Carrie tried to step in. She wanted to ram her stiletto heel onto the arch of his foot. I huffed and blow her away.

"you being sick...it is what it is... we are dealing with it. However, you pushing me away, ignoring me, snapping at me.... yah....I am over it."

We stood there, his arm around me, me not looking at him, waiting.........and he said,

"Yah, you're over me being sick" and he turned away to get ready to leave.

It is a good thing he turned away. Carrie almost got her way with her heel. As it was he just missed the magnificent curl of my upper lip.

The day was calmer then it had been in a while. He felt better than he had in a while. Nothing serious was discussed. But I resolved that when he was better we would sit down and have a serious discussion about this. One of the conclusions I had come to the night before was that I would not tolerate being pushed away again. I had devised a plan of action to deal with it in the future and I was going to tell him exactly how I was going to do it. No, I won't share that now. Most of you HoHs would shake your heads in sympathy for my poor husband dealing with such a wife (insert eye roll here) and most of you ladies would be reaching for the popcorn wanting to know the fall out. I will save it for when I actually tell him, maybe.

The next day was normal (pre DD) and that evening after dinner and dishes I was sitting on the couch in deep thought when he sat next to me.

"What are you thinking about?'

"Nothing." I was startled.

"Are you sure? You look very serious."

"No, nothing" I got up to end the questions and went in to the kitchen.

Why do I do that? I do this more than I would like to admit. I have wanted to talk to him all weekend, but didn't because as much as he deserved my lambasting him, he was too sick and I was too angry. So I locked my lips. Now here he was opening the door wide for me to step through and tell him what I was thinking and I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Locking my lips again. I took a minute to oil the unused hinges and find the key, then force myself to unlock them and went to sit down next to him again.

"Actually,....I was thinking we are probably not going to get back to this thing for a long time."

"This thing?"

"You know, this thing we are doing, Domestic Discipline?"

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, after this last week of your depression, losing everything that we had gained before that....."

"Hm"

"and with *insert his relatives name here* coming to stay with us for a couple of months...."

"Why would you think that would change anything?"

"I didn't think you would want to do this while they are here, with the situation what it will be..."

"Oh no, that won't change anything. Actually, I was thinking about this yesterday, when we could start this going again."

"Really?'

"Yah"

There we are, back at the very beginning again, but still committed to following through. We will need to sit down soon and discuss a lot of things and yes I still plan to inform him of my plan of action if he distances from me again. I plan to start e-mailing him again too. The intimacy isn't were it was before his depression, but now that I have known it, I won't give up on attaining it again. That is what I always imagined marriage would be like in my fantasies. I won't allow either of us to settle for less now.

One thing I am focused on working on right now is oiling my lips and keeping them unlocked.




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