I'll walk slow

with a heavy dose of medication....

I originally posted this on Oct 30. I pulled it down for many confused reasons that maybe you will understand when you read it. I began this blog to document my journey so....I am putting it back up, with a little more detail. Everything in green is new.

So, I sent him my last post.

He read it in front of me. 

He said nothing.

and still nothing

stiiiill nothing

sigh

still nothing

So my mood declined suddenly and rapidly.

I was patient all day and then in a matter of 30 minutes.....

Boom!

I began to curse him with my eyes.
He got angry because the change was so sudden.
He cursed me with his eyes.
I pushed him to talk to me about the post.
He got angry that I was pushing.
Anger, assumptions, accusations
misunderstandings, misinterpretations

I wanted to lay down and forget it all.

The pain of looking at his cursing eyes, the guilt, was too much for my people pleasing soul.

talk

talk

talk

It was talked out.

We ended in a better place.....with new understanding and acceptance.

So we start again

slowly


I was listening to my favorite band yesterday and this song spoke to me of my struggles on this DD journey. The song is about lost love. No, we haven't lost our love but are building it to something more. The feelings evoked in this song mirror my feelings of guilt, despondency and hope.
This wasn't what I was feeling days after the discussion, it was how I felt during our discussion on the weekend.

So here it is, I hope you enjoy it...

Mumford and Sons
"Lovers Eyes"

It is six minutes long so you can skip to the text version after the video if you don't have the time.

"Lover's Eyes"

Love was kind, for a time

Now just aches and it makes me blind

We were having an incredible weekend, then I pushed and it hurt.

This mirror holds my eyes too bright

I can't see the others in my life

Were we too young? And heads too strong?

To bear the weight of these lover's eyes.

'Cause I feel numb, beneath your tongue

Neath the curse of these lover's eyes.

He was angry that I pushed and ruined the weekend.

But do not ask the price I pay,

I must live with my quiet rage,

Tame the ghosts in my head,

That run wild and wish me dead.

Should you shake my ash to the wind

Lord, forget all of my sins

Oh, let me die where I lie

Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

At one point I prayed for God to just end it because it was to painful, the discussion. Yes, I know overly dramatic.

There's no drink nor drug I tried

To rid the curse of these lover's eyes

And I feel numb, beneath your tongue

Your strength just makes me feel less strong

I was filled with guilt and going numb because he was falling back on old habits to deal instead of the new ones we set in place. I knew my guilt would get no release. 

But do not ask the price I pay,

I must live with my quiet rage,

Tame the ghosts in my head,

That run wild and wish me dead.

Should you shake my ash to the wind

Lord, forget all of my sins

Oh, let me die where I lie

Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, help me on my way.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

During the course of the discussion, I discovered He thought the post "Reality and Dreams" was against him. It wasn't, it was about my realization of how far I had gone around the bend with my need for control. After that things started to calm down and we reconnected and continued our incredible weekend.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, help me on my way.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

Cat made a comment below. It immediately cut me on the raw. I thought, "Are you kidding me! Your blaming me too?". I starting crying. Don't worry Cat it was a good thing. I was shocked by my response and immediately commented back, to which she comment back and then I pulled the post. It was too painful. 

Our fight over the weekend was over one issue that was resolved, but there were things said in that discussion that highlighted a problem. We have a serious communication problem and Cats comments helped me to sight why this whole event kept cycling in my head.

I went back and reread Old Fashion Marriage's post on why your man won't communicate. It is here if you want to read it. I had to acknowledge that in the past I behaved in a way that shut him down during a discussion. He has become defensive and tries to shut the conversation down before it begins and I can shut him down. 

To make everything worse, we have both been having health problems. He is on his 4th course of antibiotics with an option to refill. It has been physically and mentally draining for him. I didn't realize how important the good days had become to him.

When I started my submission (May), I lost a lot of weight and was able to cut my blood pressure medication in half. A month ago, I stopped at one of those blood pressure machines to test my pressure. I am more physically fit than I have been in a very long time. I was shocked to discover that my pressure was higher than it had ever been. I started slowly increasing my medication. It didn't help, at all. I went to the doctor and was put on a stronger medication. The stress from my husbands health problems, starting DD and much more were causing my pressure to go up, which made me feel edgy, agitated, almost panicked at times, which increased the stress of a situation, which increased my pressure. It was a vicious circle, kind of like a cat frantically chasing its tail.

So we talked and agreed to slow down, not stop but slow down, until our health problems are better. In the mean time, we are going to work on rules to help us to return to a healthy way of communicating. It didn't used to be this way. This is proof that nothing is ever stagnate, especially a relationship, it is always changing and if you aren't paying attention it changes to something you never envisioned or wanted.

That is were we are right now....walking slow.......hand in hand.....both of us heavily dosed with medication.

Please feel free to leave a comment, be kind.