This happened a while ago. I wanted to blog about it right away but the effects rippled for days and it took a long time to absorb and really begin to wrap my head around what happened. However, I have mentioned a few times to a friend that I wanted to write this post and I can't see it but I think she is now rolling her eyes at me in disbelief. : ) So here it goes......
Several months ago, I drifted into a fog. This wasn't a hormonal fog. This was the beginning, the first stage if you will, of depression. My mind was disconnected. There were no particular thoughts, except to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other. I was emotionally disconnected from my family. I can "fake it til I make it" in this stage and many times I will suddenly find that it is over or I can slip into a deeper stage of depression. I ran around taking care of everyone but it was really only the minimum, that was all I was capable of doing. It wasn't distancing, that is when you are more or less hiding yourself from others. I had disappeared, even from myself. I knew I was gone and tried to hide it by concentrating on getting done the everyday mundane tasks to keep everything running. I thought I was pretty successful. I could not however truly acknowledge yet what was happening so of course I could not understand why. This went on for about two weeks.
Then one weekend I opened my blog dashboard and the first words I read were that one of my favorite bloggers was closing her blog. This is part of blogging, you connect with people and then for whatever purpose or reason they are compelled to close their blogs. I have been sadden before, I have shed tears when it has happened before. This time it hit me to the core. I was devastated. I had come to really love this person and always assumed they would be there, that there was time to reach out past the blog. I have trust issues, so while some of you have reached beyond within days, weeks or just a few months, I was just beginning to think about doing so. Now the chance was gone. This person was gone.
Rooster was surprised by my reaction. He doesn't read the blogs so doesn't really get it.
Unfortunately, within a few hours I had slipped into a deeper stage of depression. I was gone. There were no thoughts in my head, I responded to nothing. I was in shock, completely unable to function. Rooster sat one foot away from me on the sofa, the TV was on. I was staring at it and I have no idea what was showing. He kept making comments to me, asking questions. I didn't hear him.......he was only a foot away. His frustration began seeping into my conscience, like wisps of smoke that dissipate before you can identify them. Suddenly he took me by the hand and lead me to the bedroom. I was completely compliant, docile. I realized what was about to happen and followed without thought. No words were said really. He lowered my lower garments, gently tilted me over the end of the bed. He stroked my back and assured me this wasn't a punishment, but he said I needed this. He kissed my lower back, told me he loved me and began.
I was shocked. It was hard. It was fast. As hard as a punishment spanking, not the way he does reset or reconnection. As fast as a 13 year old world championship paddle ball player, if not faster. He is usually slow, more methodical.
The first clear thought that came to my head was "Wow, he really doesn't like when this happens to me."
As hard as it was, it wasn't as painful as you would think, at least not at first. The pain from each strike never got a chance even to begin the rise to a crest before the next one landed.
I was suddenly focused and asked myself what had happened to me in the last few weeks. I never wanted to acknowledge it but I knew the reason it began two weeks before.
Two weeks ago, my mother had a health crisis and my father, who is her primary caregiver, almost missed it. I called to check up on them and he told me my mother wasn't doing well. I live an 1 1/2 hours away. I started asking questions. "Is she running a fever? Have you taken her temperature?" The more questions I asked, the more answers I received it became apparent to me he needed to get her to the hospital and he did. This is not something new, it has happened before. So why did this time, even when it was discovered that the reason for her illness was an easy fix, did it affect me so much.
The answer - It has become incredibly painful watching my parents struggle to cope with the twilight of their lives. My father has a life threatening disease that is being managed. My mother had an injury several decades ago that has left her disabled and in the last few years has become completely apathetic to life. The mundane day to day tasks of existence have become incredible struggles and sometimes painful.
I spent two and a half years supporting another elderly relative as she died. I know the toll it took on me. Watching this happen with my parents is going to be far worse. I am very aware of the realities of what is going to happen, what will need to be done and who it is more that likely going to shoulder the responsibility.
So now I finally acknowledged why I slipped into a fog for two weeks. I took it out, shook it out and really examined it. I understood.
The whole time this was going on Rooster was whacking away. Darn sure he was going to chip off the ice from my mind and heart. Every once in a while he would stop, lean over me and tell me he loved me, but he said nothing more. How could he? I didn't know what was going on with me, how could he know what to address?
And so I continued my ruminations through the pounding.
The next issue, why did I react so strongly to my friend closing her blog?
"
Because it was a loss."
When this thought popped into my head a well of emotion threatened to overwhelm me. I shut it down immediately. I couldn't deal with it in that moment. I just knew if I allowed that emotion to flow, I wouldn't be able to stay still while Rooster whaled away. The emotion would have become angry and I would have turned and fought him over control of the paddle. So I let it go, stopped thinking and relaxed into what was happening physically. The mental work was done.
Rooster somehow knew when this happened. He went about 10 more and then suddenly stopped. He leaned over and rested on me. He kissed the back of my neck and told me he loved me again. Then he nudged me up the bed and cuddled me. Five minutes later he looked at me to assure himself I was good, told me to stay in bed and left the room.
I started thinking about everything I had uncovered. It was all about my inability to face and deal with my emotions over the slow loss of my parents. If my friend had closed her blog at any other time I still would have been really upset. I still would have responded strongly to it. But I don't think it would have destroyed me emotionally the way it did. I was trying to avoid facing the literal eventual death of my parents and the figurative death of this blog blindsided me.
I finally allowed the emotions to flow through me and then out. I started to sob..........and sob.................quiet slow sobs. After 15 minutes it stopped and I just drifted.
I would call it subspace but that is during a spanking, your mind stops and empties, you forget where you are and just float mentally and you feel a sense of peace. I always have seemed to do things differently. My mind emptied first, then I got spanked and focused, I released all the pent up emotion, then I floated on a cloud of peace.
Twenty or thirty minutes after he left Rooster walked in the door and came to a halt. His mouth dropped open in shock.
"Oh my god Blue Bird! I am so sorry! I shouldn't have left you! I am so sorry!"
"No, no it is alright." by this time he was beside me on the bed holding me.
"Are you sure? I am so sorry."
"No, really.....it's good"
Although I was now floating on that cloud of peace, my face was red, my checks puffed and my eyes almost swollen shut from the tears. That is what Rooster saw when he walked into the room.
It was good that he left, in fact it was pivotal that he did. If he had stayed with me I would have remained focused on him, what he expected and/or needed of me. When he left the room I was able to focus on all of the things I realized during the session and then I was able to let it go.
I was truly submissive for the rest of the day, in fact for several days. Except when we were involved in separate activities, I stayed tucked to his left side. He didn't ask me to, it was where I wanted to be.
As I began to absorb the experience, I was profoundly moved.
I was awed by this man.
I know that he was aware of the times I have been seriously depressed in the past 19 years. It never just comes over me with no reason, there is always a trigger. I always believed that I covered it rather well. I worked really hard to not allow it to effect my home. The way Rooster responded was loaded with years of frustration and helplessness. I know understand how much it really has bothered him. He no long has to sit on the side waiting for me to come out of it.
After a year of telling him "this is the way this is supposed to be done". When it came to it, he knew
instinctively what to do. There was no research or planning done. He didn't take the time to think about how he would approach this. HE JUST DID IT! The speed with which he dealt with me, he had never done it that way before and it worked. I was able to focus, figure out what the problem was and deal with it. Every trace of depression was gone.
The submission this created which lasted for several days has now faded, but whenever I think about it I still feel emotional and awed by what he did and how well it worked.
Rooster knows what he is doing,.
I am safe in his hands.
