Bird, bird, bird....bird is the word...

or the gesture?

After my post "The Long Weekend", Rooster finally saw the effect this dynamic could have on our marriage. He got it. I could see the understanding almost infuse his body, with real understanding came confidence and that confidence has been expressed in his physical attitude. He is a man now who knows what needs to be done, how to do it and he is ready to take care of it.

However there are forty plus years of behaviors that still get in the way.

This last weekend we had a really good time, until Sunday. We both woke up a little snippy. He had an errand to do in the afternoon which involved alot of driving and dealing with red tape as a result of someone else's mistake. I don't know why I was snippy, maybe I was feeding off of him.

We had a late breakfast and then lazed around watching a movie with our son and his cousin who spent the weekend with us. After the movie was over suddenly Rooster was moving fast. He will suddenly start cleaning or sorting things that don't need to be sorted. Seriously, it drives me crazy. He will move from area to area, with me following behind trying to distract him before he messes up my system or he falls across an area I don't want him to focus on. That is what happened. I have a bad habit of dropping things on a chair in our room. They pile up and then I sort through it and put things away, after a week ......or two.

I think he was frustrated because he had to leave soon to take care of this errand and he just didn't really want to deal with it, so his frustration was expressed towards the chaos he perceived around him. Since he has complained about the chair for years, this time it set him off. He started in on me about it. How he bought these chairs to sit on, not to hold my stuff. Then he said something that took my breathe away. I was shocked and then very hurt, but I shock it off because I though he was exaggerating to make a point. I called him on it and he became more emphatic and definite that this is what he meant.

Two or three weeks before it probably wouldn't have phased me, I would have laughed and challenged him. The week before our son, the Apprentice, said something about what he would accept from his future wife.  Rooster took exception to what he said. They had a very long discussion about this issue and it was very heart felt from Rooster. The one thing I remember clear that he said was, "you must always carry jealousy in your heart for the women in your life, it is very important, for your wife, sister, your daughters and for your mother. It is what drives you to honor, respect and protect them and to demand it of others for them." I know, caveman right? LOL! The whole conversation was illuminating. Sometimes listening to conversations between him and the children, I receive a whole new understanding of him.

So now when he didn't back down from what he said, it was painful. It was against everything he had said to our son in that previous conversation. I felt discarded, as not worthy of the regard he spoke about to our son.

I walked out of the room. I was so angry and hurt as I walked away, my head was screaming but my throat was clenched. I had the overwhelming urge to just shot him the bird. At the end of the hall, I turned to look back and just barely managed to suppress that urge, but apparently my face spoke volumes.

I went to the kitchen and after a few minutes he came to me. He stood next to me about two feet away with his arms crossed and this smug expectant look on his face. I knew exactly what he was thinking, "I am the one who is in the right and I am the one who has the right to be angry, so how is she going to try and twist this around to justify turning it on me?!"

Well?

Well, what?

Why are you angry now?

I was overwhelmed.  So many issues and the words to express them rushed to my throat which clamped shut. I tried several times to say something and seriously.....it felt like my throat was swollen. So in a split second I decided to express to him as succinctly as possible how I felt. I raised my fist between us and prominently displaced the bird.

He was shocked, quickly followed by incredulous outrage. He grabbed my wrists and shook me.

I can't believe you did that. Don't ever do it again.

Suddenly my throat opened up and I pulled away from him.

How could you say that to me? After the conversation you had with (The Apprentice) last week? The way you talked about it? How could you say that to me?

He was thrown.  He has a bad habit of pushing things when he is frustrated with me to make his point. He can cross some lines. He never uses bad language, he doesn't have too. In the past, we wouldn't speak for days after an incident like this and by the time we did, he would have forgotten what he said and how he said it. There have been many arguments weeks later with him insisting he never said what I insisted he did. It literally comes out of his mouth and if too many days pass without being called on, it disappears from his mind. Away from the heat of the moment, he can't believe he ever would have said that.

I turned from him and continued cleaning. He walked out of the kitchen. I could tell he was going over everything that had been said, reviewing the issue from every side, as I was.

Suddenly, I became frustrated. This is not how we agreed to deal with our issues.

I went to him in the living room.

If you remember, we have a new way of dealing with these situations. There was another way for you to address this.

I was just think about that too.

Suddenly he turned me, placed his arm around my back and began pushing walking me to the bedroom. My jaw dropped.

What are you doing?!

Let's take care of this now.

But.....but.....but that's not fair!

I know. Let's go.

I stumbled, resisting as he dragged escorted me? to the bedroom. As we passed the media room (which is next to our bedroom) I saw the Apprentice and his cousin playing xbox.

They will hear.

We'll use the closet.

GREAT! Now he wants to use it. It had fallen back to disarray since we never used it for that purpose after I set it up. I quickly went about arranging it. I wasn't accepting this by any means, but I didn't want him to look passed the curtain I hung between our sides and see how messy my side was. Since that was another issue he had a problem with, I didn't want to add fuel to the flames. I didn't fool him, but I don't think he wanted to add anything else to the situation either.

The whole time I just kept repeating "This isn't fair" even as he encouraged me to lay over the side of the bench in the closet.

Then he started, I think with a warm up, but it didn't feel like a warm up.

When he stopped to rub, he lend down to my head and whispered

I am sorry I said that to you.

I melted. He rarely apologized in the past. Some of my resistance melted away, some...not all. Then he started up again. When he stopped to rub he leaned down again.

I should never have said that to you. I am sorry. I love you. He leaned down and kissed my shoulder.

and there went the rest of my resistance. He continued and every time he stopped he did something that touched me deeply.

Once as he was rubbing, he splayed his fingers and firmly cupped the back of my head. Another time, he kissed my shoulder again, another he said he loved me again. Forget after care, he was giving me during care and it was breaking me down faster then the spanking. In fact every time he started up, I tensed to endure and the things he did during the rub down made me melt.

The second time he kissed my shoulder I reached down and wrapped my arm around his leg and held his ankle. That is the way we finished.

He pulled me up and held me and repeated his apology and I apologized for giving him the bird.

He walked me to the bed and had me lie down. He kissed me again and repeated that he loved me, then he had to leave to take care of that errand.

In the past, there would have been distance between us for weeks. We would have carried resent and anger in our hearts towards each other that would eventually have faded but never have been forgotten.

It is over. It was over and done and dealt with sometime during the spanking or when we both apologized to each other at the end.

This is an incredible communication tool. I don't care what the naysayers believe and/or say. I would take this over the pain of living in a house, sharing a bed with someone who won't speak to you or who you refuse to look at let alone speak to for days and weeks.

I think we are finally finding how this works for us, making it "This thing we do". We tried the rules and it just didn't work. Now we are just addressing issues as they come up. That doesn't mean we will never have rules, it is just where we are now.

I have firmly locked my birds away in their cage. They have never gotten out before this, so there is no reason to believe he will ever see one again.

Currerephobia

My name is Blue Bird and I have Currerephobia. Don't bother to look it up, there is no such word. When I went looking for a name for my problem I couldn't find anything. I discovered there are many women who suffer with this fear, but as yet there was no name. So I googled my fear in Latin then stuck the Latin for fear at the end. I am so smart. Stop laughing!

Currere - to run

and of course

Phobia - extreme or irrational fear or dislike of a specified thing or group.

Currerephobia - the fear of running. 

I know nothing about Latin, so any of you who do please excuse my butchering of the language. Ah......when search engines are put in the wrong hands.....

I have a fear of running. I can pinpoint the exact point this fear took over, junior year of high school. I had a class in the back of the building on the second floor overlooking the football field and running track. In high school I was never the girl the guys dated, I was always their buddy. The one they joked around with and complained to about their girlfriends. So the three rows of seats backed up against the windows in that classroom held me and a bunch of guys. 

One day as I was working through an assignment I suddenly heard whispering behind me. I looked back and four guys were sneaking looks out the back window and arguing with each other. I asked what was going on and without a blink (and no apparent awareness that I was a women) they proceeded to ask my opinion of whose breasts were fake or not judging by their bounce as they ran the track. I was horrified. I insisted none of them were, at which point one of them said I was an idiot as it was obvious this one particular girls were. I responded he was the idiot for speculating and gossiping about this girl and indignantly gave them my back.

The next week in the dance class I took, for some reason we were required to run the track. As I started around the track I became aware that there were potentially 100 pairs of male eyes peering out those windows possibly speculating about my breasts. I couldn't do it. I stopped and walked the rest of the way. When asked by my teacher why I walked it I refused to respond and was chewed out in front of every class out on the field that day. Except for running a few steps after my kids, that was the last time I did any sort of running.

I have wanted to run so many times over the years, but I am rather large and too self conscious of my body. What's that you say?.......Wear a sports bra? To find one that can give me any sense of public decency it would have to be so tight as to cut off my circulation. Imagine if you will, a two handed yoyo trick with each yoyo flying wildly in different directions. That's what happens when I run. IT IS TRUST ME! Now that I am older, it feels like there is much more than just my breasts bouncing in all directions.

At the beginning of August, I was evaluating my inability to loose the weight I want to lose. I set a goal of diet and/or exercise and while I can move the needle some I always seem to get side tracked by other things. These goals fade to the back ground. I think because my health is an on going project, the rest of my life, it always seems I will get back on track when I can. It is getting harder and harder to do this. 

I thought about the times I am overwhelmed with the urge to just run. Run and run and run. My currerephobia always freezes me up before I can even get my sneakers on. 

It hit me, that was going to be my new goal. Hit two birds with one stone. Overcome my fear of running, which would naturally improve my health.

I am going to run a 5K. 

I told Rooster what I wanted to do. He is very supportive. I did allot of research on how to train for it.  I found the perfect 5K race in my community scheduled 6 months from the time I made my decision.

Then I read Sarah's story at Clear as Mud and was doubly inspired. I am not ready to run a half marathon yet, but : D it may be my new goal in six months.

This was supposed to be my post for my one year anniversary. Better late than never.

Mid February is my 5K. After a bumpy start, last week my training went well. I am very excited about this. I can't really explain why. Maybe because in part I am shaking off the hold those jerks have had over me for 30 years. It doesn't matter, I am excited.




!!!!Wish me luck!!!!!

The Long Weekend

I guess you could say this is part II to my last post.

Thank you to everyone that responded. I write to clarify my feelings. I hit publish because if I can find the courage to share it with all of you I should be able to share it with Rooster. Your comments help me feel not so isolated and alone in the turmoil.

And so..........

This summer we were supposed to focus on each other and what we wanted with this lifestyle. Instead, it seems we all took an unplanned vacation. The stress from the end of the academic year and MIL's visit, it took us a while to regain our feet. About six weeks ago I realized I wasn't feeling well. I amped up my exercise and diet.

After three weeks I realized my body wasn't responding the way it usually does. I went to Rooster and asked him to help me again. I told him I was scared, my body wasn't responding the way it usually did and I needed help. I needed his help to push me past my hesitancy and reserve to do what I needed to do. I told him I was really concerned if this didn't happen I was going to find myself in a bad place health wise. I also told him I had set a goal I wanted to meet to help me push through. He was thrilled with the goal I had set and promised he would do whatever he could to help me. He told me over and over "Don't worry, everything will be alright".

The next few weeks followed the same course as every time we tried to start this, 1st week nothing, 2nd week evaluation, 3rd week he sets goals and they just sort of fade away as the week progresses.

This time, the last few days of that week I felt things happening in my body that really scared me. I knew they were signs of serious health problems with very serious consequences if it wasn't addressed. I researched it to confirm my suspicions and even though I knew I was correct, I still couldn't completely acknowledge it to myself. Until I woke up Saturday morning with pain shooting through my hands and legs. I was now forced to acknowledge it to myself and Rooster.

I went on offense and he went on defense, both fueled by fear.

He then went into planning mode to address it. One of the elements of the plan is that I would now be going to the gym with him in the mornings. The second was that we would both completely cut certain things out of our diet for a week to see how our bodies responded.

It wasn't until Saturday evening that he made a mistake:

"You know, I am glad this happened."

I think my eyes almost popped out of my head from the explosion that took place inside it .........and he saw it.

"What? Don't you want to know why I feel that?"

I already know why, but I really hope you spare me.

"Why?" only slightly belligerent.

"Because now it gives you a sense of urgency....desperation..."

"I WAS ALREADY DESPERATE! I toold you that almost a month ago."

"You weren't desperate then...you just wanted help with your focus on exercising."

"I TOLD YOU I WAS SCARED!"

"Oh, I just thought..."

At which point he retreated with a bemused look on his face. Before I was terrified, depressed........now I was angry. That is what prompted my 2am post. I was in need of clarification and release.

The anger didn't leave me, it just became a solid weight.

Sunday morning we traded more words about the situation. Then we rans some errands. We stopped to grab something to eat. While we were finishing our meal he saw and felt my discontent. He made a sweeping gesture with his hand to indicate I should begin. I tried to calmly address some things that were said earlier in the day.

"I am just frustrated that nothing is ever about me, it is always about someone else..."

"Don't say that, it's not true. I don't want you to think that way..."

"It is always about someone else. You even made this about you earlier today!"

How did I do that?

You told me, don't be depressed (he said with complete frustration) because you were already depressed about alot of other things and if I was depressed it would just be too much, so don't. 

This is about me and you made it about you."

"I just don't want you to be depressed"

 "I am depressed. You can't demand it not be so. I have to work through this."

So Monday, we got up early and went to the gym and I also did yoga after. We started talking about the revised menu for the week and he realized he needed to change his menu for work and we brain stormed what to get for him. We went to the store and purchased the items to supplement his lunch. It wasn't until that that night that it hit me. Damn.....what about my lunch? It happened again.

I have been carrying this weight of anger since Saturday evening. Every morning at the gym he can see it. He told me I look like I am doing everything I can to not give him the bird, which is true. I have been trying to pinpoint exactly why I am so angry. I don't blame him for my health problems. But there is a culmination of history happening.

This morning I woke up again angry. I couldn't sleep again til 1 am. He went to the gym and I followed. This morning he was a little distant. I thought I was pushing him away with my anger. We came home, had breakfast and I heard him call my name from the bedroom. I went in to see him leaning against the bathroom door with his arms crossed. He swept his arm to indicate the bed where the two new yet to be used leather paddle and strap were sitting.

Now I was pissed. Are you serious?

"I was thinking about this the whole time I was at the gym. I think you need this."

I was just sputtering the whole time, "What...now.....are you serious.....". The thought that was going through my mind was, "You better not make the mistake of making this about you, "I don't want you to be angry"." He never used the word "I", always "You".  As I grudgingly got into position I wondered if he was making a conscious choice or if this was unconsciously really about me.

He went longer and harder then he ever has before. He talked through it, which is a first.

My anger allowed me to take more than I thought I could and it just built throughout the process. At one point he stopped to rub and talk, I wept alittle. He continued and I stopped crying and became so angry I was about to turn on him. He stopped to rub and talk again. I thought that was it, but after a few seconds he started again, harder this time. I collapsed and quietly wept. He stopped and I climb up on the bed. He held me and told me he loved me and he wanted me to sleep. He had been concerned about how little sleep my anger was allowing me. I didn't intend to, the minute he left for work I was going to  get up, but I suddenly became really tired and fell into sleep.

When I woke up, my disguise of anger was gone. Now there was still the hurt that had been hiding behind it.

He called to check on me. He asked why I was so angry. He said he knew but he wanted to hear me say it. I knew he didn't know, I only figured out last night.

"Because I don't think you ever really HEAR me."

This isn't the first time this has happened, where I have told him something several times and then when it is shoved in his face he is surprised. He got really quiet and said we would talk more when he got home.

Sigh...


It is all still a work in progress.






Again thanks for all your support.

Our One Year Anniversary

September 1st is our one year anniversary practicing DD. We talked about it for three months before this, but this was our official start date......... also when I started this blog.

This is not the post I had planned or wanted to write. It is where I have found myself at the moment.

I am in a difficult situation. In all fairness I am here through my own fault. I do not blame him for where I am now.

But broken promises....

I saw this coming and asked Rooster over and over to help me to stay focused to avert this.  It is one of those mundane, repetitive things that needs attention.

Over and over he promised he would.

Over and over he failed to keep his promise.

Now here I am......and I am  scared, hurt, angry, and bitter....I have lost trust.

I had a better understanding of where we were a year ago when we started DD than now.

Now......

I have to get out of this mess.

I have to do it myself.