Awww shucks....the things he says to me!

There was a time I was in love with you. Then a time I just loved you. Now I am in love with you again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You are my fiber. (no people, not bran cereal fiber, like thread fiber) You are what holds everything together for me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am so happy. Do you know why?

Why?

Because you are in my life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You are sooo beautiful. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Actually the only one who ever says anything otherwise like that is me.

I know. YOU are the one I was talking about. Don't.

Why I got tipped over the bed when a blog closed and for other reasons

This happened a while ago. I wanted to blog about it right away but the effects rippled for days and it took a long time to absorb and really begin to wrap my head around what happened. However, I have mentioned a few times to a friend that I wanted to write this post and I can't see it but I think she is now rolling her eyes at me in disbelief.  : ) So here it goes......

Several months ago, I drifted into a fog. This wasn't a hormonal fog. This was the beginning, the first stage if you will, of depression. My mind was disconnected. There were no particular thoughts, except to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other. I was emotionally disconnected from my family. I can "fake it til I make it" in this stage and many times I will suddenly find that it is over or I can slip into a deeper stage of depression. I ran around taking care of everyone but it was really only the minimum, that was all I was capable of doing. It wasn't distancing, that is when you are more or less hiding yourself from others. I had disappeared, even from myself. I knew I was gone and tried to hide it by concentrating on getting done the everyday mundane tasks to keep everything running. I thought I was pretty successful. I could not however truly acknowledge yet what was happening so of course I could not understand why. This went on for about two weeks.

Then one weekend I opened my blog dashboard and the first words I read were that one of my favorite bloggers was closing her blog. This is part of blogging, you connect with people and then for whatever purpose or reason they are compelled to close their blogs. I have been sadden before, I have shed tears when it has happened before. This time it hit me to the core. I was devastated. I had come to really love this person and always assumed they would be there, that there was time to reach out past the blog. I have trust issues, so while some of you have reached beyond within days, weeks or just a few months, I was just beginning to think about doing so. Now the chance was gone. This person was gone.

Rooster was surprised by my reaction. He doesn't read the blogs so doesn't really get it.

Unfortunately, within a few hours I had slipped into a deeper stage of depression.  I was gone. There were no thoughts in my head, I responded to nothing. I was in shock, completely unable to function. Rooster sat one foot away from me on the sofa, the TV was on. I was staring at it and I have no idea what was showing. He kept making comments to me, asking questions. I didn't hear him.......he was only a foot away. His frustration began seeping into my conscience, like wisps of smoke that dissipate before you can identify them. Suddenly he took me by the hand and lead me to the bedroom. I was completely compliant, docile. I realized what was about to happen and followed without thought. No words were said really. He lowered my lower garments, gently tilted me over the end of the bed. He stroked my back and assured me this wasn't a punishment, but he said I needed this. He kissed my lower back, told me he loved me and began.

I was shocked. It was hard. It was fast. As hard as a punishment spanking, not the way he does reset or reconnection. As fast as a 13 year old world championship paddle ball player, if not faster. He is usually slow, more methodical.

The first clear thought that came to my head was "Wow, he really doesn't like when this happens to me."

As hard as it was, it wasn't as painful as you would think, at least not at first. The pain from each strike never got a chance even to begin the rise to a crest before the next one landed.

I was suddenly focused and asked myself what had happened to me in the last few weeks. I never wanted to acknowledge it but I knew the reason it began two weeks before.

Two weeks ago, my mother had a health crisis and my father, who is her primary caregiver, almost missed it. I called to check up on them and he told me my mother wasn't doing well. I live an 1 1/2 hours away. I started asking questions. "Is she running a fever? Have you taken her temperature?" The more questions I asked, the more answers I received it became apparent to me he needed to get her to the hospital and he did. This is not something new, it has happened before. So why did this time, even when it was discovered that the reason for her illness was an easy fix, did it affect me so much.



The answer - It has become incredibly painful watching my parents struggle to cope with the twilight of their lives. My father has a life threatening disease that is being managed. My mother had an injury several decades ago that has left her disabled and in the last few years has become completely apathetic to life. The mundane day to day tasks of existence have become incredible struggles and sometimes painful.

I spent two and a half years supporting another elderly relative as she died. I know the toll it took on me. Watching this happen with my parents is going to be far worse. I am very aware of the realities of what is going to happen, what will need to be done and who it is more that likely going to shoulder the responsibility.

So now I finally acknowledged why I slipped into a fog for two weeks. I took it out, shook it out and really examined it.  I understood.

The whole time this was going on Rooster was whacking away. Darn sure he was going to chip off the ice from my mind and heart. Every once in a while he would stop, lean over me and tell me he loved me, but he said nothing more. How could he? I didn't know what was going on with me, how could he know what to address?

And so I continued my ruminations through the pounding.

The next issue, why did I react so strongly to my friend closing her blog?

"Because it was a loss."

When this thought popped into my head a well of emotion threatened to overwhelm me. I shut it down immediately. I couldn't deal with it in that moment. I just knew if I allowed that emotion to flow, I wouldn't be able to stay still while Rooster whaled away. The emotion would have become angry and I would have turned and fought him over control of the paddle. So I let it go, stopped thinking and relaxed into what was happening physically. The mental work was done.

Rooster somehow knew when this happened. He went about 10 more and then suddenly stopped. He leaned over and rested on me. He kissed the back of my neck and told me he loved me again. Then he nudged me up the bed and cuddled me. Five minutes later he looked at me to assure himself I was good, told me to stay in bed and left the room.

I started thinking about everything I had uncovered. It was all about my inability to face and deal with my emotions over the slow loss of my parents. If my friend had closed her blog at any other time I still would have been really upset. I still would have responded strongly to it. But I don't think it would have destroyed me emotionally the way it did. I was trying to avoid facing the literal eventual death of my parents and the figurative death of this blog blindsided me.

I finally allowed the emotions to flow through me and then out. I started to sob..........and sob.................quiet slow sobs. After 15 minutes it stopped and I just drifted.

I would call it subspace but that is during a  spanking, your mind stops and empties, you forget where you are and just float mentally and you feel a sense of peace. I always have seemed to do things differently. My mind emptied first, then I got spanked and focused, I released all the pent up emotion, then I floated on a cloud of peace.

Twenty or thirty minutes after he left Rooster walked in the door and came to a halt. His mouth dropped open in shock.

"Oh my god Blue Bird! I am so sorry! I shouldn't have left you! I am so sorry!"

"No, no it is alright." by this time he was beside me on the bed holding me.

"Are you sure? I am so sorry."

"No, really.....it's good"

Although I was now floating on that cloud of peace, my face was red, my checks puffed and my eyes almost swollen shut from the tears. That is what Rooster saw when he walked into the room.

It was good that he left, in fact it was pivotal that he did. If he had stayed with me I would have remained focused on him, what he expected and/or needed of me.  When he left the room I was able to focus on all of the things I realized during the session and then I was able to let it go.

I was truly submissive for the rest of the day, in fact for several days. Except when we were involved in separate activities, I stayed tucked to his left side. He didn't ask me to, it was where I wanted to be.

As I began to absorb the experience, I was profoundly moved.

I was awed by this man.

I know that he was aware of the times I have been seriously depressed in the past 19 years.  It never just comes over me with no reason, there is always a trigger. I always believed that I covered it rather well. I worked really hard to not allow it to effect my home. The way Rooster responded was loaded with years of frustration and helplessness. I know understand how much it really has bothered him. He no long has to sit on the side waiting for me to come out of it.

After a year of telling him "this is the way this is supposed to be done". When it came to it, he knew instinctively what to do. There was no research or planning done. He didn't take the time to think about how he would approach this. HE JUST DID IT! The speed with which he dealt with me, he had never done it that way before and it worked. I was able to focus, figure out what the problem was and deal with it.  Every trace of depression was gone.

The submission this created which lasted for several days has now faded, but whenever I think about it I still feel emotional and awed by what he did and how well it worked.

Rooster knows what he is doing,.

I am safe in his hands.

My gift to you....laughter.

Ok, so I know I have been out of blogland for a long time. Things were crazy busy and then I was just in a blue funk. Nothing got done unless it HAD to get done. I did something I haven't done in a long time, I retreated into novels. Only with the greatest reluctance did I come out to deal with what was absolutely necessary. Rooster has been patient, in large part because has been sick again. When he felt better I asked him to help me out of it and he went to work. After he did his job, there was nothing....no response, but by the end of the week it was over. My month long funk was gone. Since the end of last week I have been trying to catch up and my sex drive finally returned. I have been looking over my husband the last couple of days with the intent to inflict obscene things on his body. Ok, in your dictionary it may not be obscene, but in ours it is. Unfortunately his work has been really stressful lately so I have had to sit back, daydream and plan our friday night.

So this morning I decided to take care of something that has gone out of control now for over a month. My body looked like an alpha males. Thats right it was covered in hair. I purchased this hot wax kit months ago and decided now was the time to try it out. I set everything up and started on my legs.

OUCH!

But I would servive. It took me about 30 minutes to do each leg, then I moved to the pits. OOOOOOUUCH! Fortunately, both only took about 3 minutes.


I was admiring my smooth self in the mirror and had a thought.......


Hmmmm........what if I.......

Are some of you gasping in horror.....and others gasping with laughter.  Please make it laughter, I am filled with enough horror already.

That's right, I attempted to give myself a brazilian wax. Why the horror....well I have never had a brazilian wax so really don't have the first clue how to do it. I was not successful. At this moment my evening plans may be ruined because I have effectively glued myself shut. Just as I was trying to go in with another cloth to try and make it work, a contractor called and said he would be by in 20 minutes  (2 hours early) to finish a job and pick up his check.

DAMN

I jumped in the shower and discovered that this stuff doesn't dissolve.  AAAAAAAAAAH!

I am now sitting here, writing to you all, wearing an old pair of underwear, fearful of what will happen when I try to peal them off, waiting for the contractor to finish his job so I can give him his check and try to figure out how to fix this.


I am thinking rubbing alcohol?





Uh!




or maybe!





GOOBEGONE?!

Under Construction

I wish it was this blog. I wanted to change the look for my one year anniversary. Oh well, I will get to it eventually.

My home is under construction. After 6 months of research, planning, interviewing multiple contractors the work has finally begun. It was supposed to involve 4 different crews from 2 different contractors only on the exterior of the house and take 7 days. In the first 2 days significant structural damage was discovered. In repairing this damage, there was damage done to the interior of the house. It was no ones fault. When it was discovered we were immediately told what was happening and what it was going to cause. So now the job involves 5 crews from 3 contractors with interior and exterior work and it is hoped to be finished in 3 weeks.

Rooster and I deal with stress in the same ways for the most part with very different results. We can't eat and when we do it is not the best choices and we can't sleep. I fall into bed exhausted around 10pm and wake up completely alert at 2am and my mind starts making lists. It takes two hours for me to fall to sleep again and then 2 hours later I am up for the day. Rooster wakes up every hour or so and it takes him 10-15 minutes to fall asleep.

However, at the end of the first week he had lost 9 pounds and I had gained 4 pounds. Thank goodness I didn't gain 9.

We are at the end of the second week and have one more week to go. We are very conscious now of how this is affecting us and are trying to keep focused on our health. I have lost the 4 pounds. There has been no gym but I am not worried about it because I know we will be back in another week.

Sorry I have not responded to comments on my last post. I promise I will. I finally visited blogland for a brief moment and feel so far behind.

On the TTWD front....I was going to report that there hasn't been much of that, but that isn't really true. There has been no swinging of anything, but Rooster has issued a few orders making it very clear where it would go if they weren't done.

This is a new Rooster. Usually he asks me to do something with a "Pleeeese" at the end that makes me feel like I have failed in some way or that he is demanding and not extending any understanding. When he issues it as an order as in "do this by this date" I just hop to it with no emotional context involved. It has been great. I love it. So we are still growing in that area through all of this chaos.



I miss you all.

Bird, bird, bird....bird is the word...

or the gesture?

After my post "The Long Weekend", Rooster finally saw the effect this dynamic could have on our marriage. He got it. I could see the understanding almost infuse his body, with real understanding came confidence and that confidence has been expressed in his physical attitude. He is a man now who knows what needs to be done, how to do it and he is ready to take care of it.

However there are forty plus years of behaviors that still get in the way.

This last weekend we had a really good time, until Sunday. We both woke up a little snippy. He had an errand to do in the afternoon which involved alot of driving and dealing with red tape as a result of someone else's mistake. I don't know why I was snippy, maybe I was feeding off of him.

We had a late breakfast and then lazed around watching a movie with our son and his cousin who spent the weekend with us. After the movie was over suddenly Rooster was moving fast. He will suddenly start cleaning or sorting things that don't need to be sorted. Seriously, it drives me crazy. He will move from area to area, with me following behind trying to distract him before he messes up my system or he falls across an area I don't want him to focus on. That is what happened. I have a bad habit of dropping things on a chair in our room. They pile up and then I sort through it and put things away, after a week ......or two.

I think he was frustrated because he had to leave soon to take care of this errand and he just didn't really want to deal with it, so his frustration was expressed towards the chaos he perceived around him. Since he has complained about the chair for years, this time it set him off. He started in on me about it. How he bought these chairs to sit on, not to hold my stuff. Then he said something that took my breathe away. I was shocked and then very hurt, but I shock it off because I though he was exaggerating to make a point. I called him on it and he became more emphatic and definite that this is what he meant.

Two or three weeks before it probably wouldn't have phased me, I would have laughed and challenged him. The week before our son, the Apprentice, said something about what he would accept from his future wife.  Rooster took exception to what he said. They had a very long discussion about this issue and it was very heart felt from Rooster. The one thing I remember clear that he said was, "you must always carry jealousy in your heart for the women in your life, it is very important, for your wife, sister, your daughters and for your mother. It is what drives you to honor, respect and protect them and to demand it of others for them." I know, caveman right? LOL! The whole conversation was illuminating. Sometimes listening to conversations between him and the children, I receive a whole new understanding of him.

So now when he didn't back down from what he said, it was painful. It was against everything he had said to our son in that previous conversation. I felt discarded, as not worthy of the regard he spoke about to our son.

I walked out of the room. I was so angry and hurt as I walked away, my head was screaming but my throat was clenched. I had the overwhelming urge to just shot him the bird. At the end of the hall, I turned to look back and just barely managed to suppress that urge, but apparently my face spoke volumes.

I went to the kitchen and after a few minutes he came to me. He stood next to me about two feet away with his arms crossed and this smug expectant look on his face. I knew exactly what he was thinking, "I am the one who is in the right and I am the one who has the right to be angry, so how is she going to try and twist this around to justify turning it on me?!"

Well?

Well, what?

Why are you angry now?

I was overwhelmed.  So many issues and the words to express them rushed to my throat which clamped shut. I tried several times to say something and seriously.....it felt like my throat was swollen. So in a split second I decided to express to him as succinctly as possible how I felt. I raised my fist between us and prominently displaced the bird.

He was shocked, quickly followed by incredulous outrage. He grabbed my wrists and shook me.

I can't believe you did that. Don't ever do it again.

Suddenly my throat opened up and I pulled away from him.

How could you say that to me? After the conversation you had with (The Apprentice) last week? The way you talked about it? How could you say that to me?

He was thrown.  He has a bad habit of pushing things when he is frustrated with me to make his point. He can cross some lines. He never uses bad language, he doesn't have too. In the past, we wouldn't speak for days after an incident like this and by the time we did, he would have forgotten what he said and how he said it. There have been many arguments weeks later with him insisting he never said what I insisted he did. It literally comes out of his mouth and if too many days pass without being called on, it disappears from his mind. Away from the heat of the moment, he can't believe he ever would have said that.

I turned from him and continued cleaning. He walked out of the kitchen. I could tell he was going over everything that had been said, reviewing the issue from every side, as I was.

Suddenly, I became frustrated. This is not how we agreed to deal with our issues.

I went to him in the living room.

If you remember, we have a new way of dealing with these situations. There was another way for you to address this.

I was just think about that too.

Suddenly he turned me, placed his arm around my back and began pushing walking me to the bedroom. My jaw dropped.

What are you doing?!

Let's take care of this now.

But.....but.....but that's not fair!

I know. Let's go.

I stumbled, resisting as he dragged escorted me? to the bedroom. As we passed the media room (which is next to our bedroom) I saw the Apprentice and his cousin playing xbox.

They will hear.

We'll use the closet.

GREAT! Now he wants to use it. It had fallen back to disarray since we never used it for that purpose after I set it up. I quickly went about arranging it. I wasn't accepting this by any means, but I didn't want him to look passed the curtain I hung between our sides and see how messy my side was. Since that was another issue he had a problem with, I didn't want to add fuel to the flames. I didn't fool him, but I don't think he wanted to add anything else to the situation either.

The whole time I just kept repeating "This isn't fair" even as he encouraged me to lay over the side of the bench in the closet.

Then he started, I think with a warm up, but it didn't feel like a warm up.

When he stopped to rub, he lend down to my head and whispered

I am sorry I said that to you.

I melted. He rarely apologized in the past. Some of my resistance melted away, some...not all. Then he started up again. When he stopped to rub he leaned down again.

I should never have said that to you. I am sorry. I love you. He leaned down and kissed my shoulder.

and there went the rest of my resistance. He continued and every time he stopped he did something that touched me deeply.

Once as he was rubbing, he splayed his fingers and firmly cupped the back of my head. Another time, he kissed my shoulder again, another he said he loved me again. Forget after care, he was giving me during care and it was breaking me down faster then the spanking. In fact every time he started up, I tensed to endure and the things he did during the rub down made me melt.

The second time he kissed my shoulder I reached down and wrapped my arm around his leg and held his ankle. That is the way we finished.

He pulled me up and held me and repeated his apology and I apologized for giving him the bird.

He walked me to the bed and had me lie down. He kissed me again and repeated that he loved me, then he had to leave to take care of that errand.

In the past, there would have been distance between us for weeks. We would have carried resent and anger in our hearts towards each other that would eventually have faded but never have been forgotten.

It is over. It was over and done and dealt with sometime during the spanking or when we both apologized to each other at the end.

This is an incredible communication tool. I don't care what the naysayers believe and/or say. I would take this over the pain of living in a house, sharing a bed with someone who won't speak to you or who you refuse to look at let alone speak to for days and weeks.

I think we are finally finding how this works for us, making it "This thing we do". We tried the rules and it just didn't work. Now we are just addressing issues as they come up. That doesn't mean we will never have rules, it is just where we are now.

I have firmly locked my birds away in their cage. They have never gotten out before this, so there is no reason to believe he will ever see one again.

Currerephobia

My name is Blue Bird and I have Currerephobia. Don't bother to look it up, there is no such word. When I went looking for a name for my problem I couldn't find anything. I discovered there are many women who suffer with this fear, but as yet there was no name. So I googled my fear in Latin then stuck the Latin for fear at the end. I am so smart. Stop laughing!

Currere - to run

and of course

Phobia - extreme or irrational fear or dislike of a specified thing or group.

Currerephobia - the fear of running. 

I know nothing about Latin, so any of you who do please excuse my butchering of the language. Ah......when search engines are put in the wrong hands.....

I have a fear of running. I can pinpoint the exact point this fear took over, junior year of high school. I had a class in the back of the building on the second floor overlooking the football field and running track. In high school I was never the girl the guys dated, I was always their buddy. The one they joked around with and complained to about their girlfriends. So the three rows of seats backed up against the windows in that classroom held me and a bunch of guys. 

One day as I was working through an assignment I suddenly heard whispering behind me. I looked back and four guys were sneaking looks out the back window and arguing with each other. I asked what was going on and without a blink (and no apparent awareness that I was a women) they proceeded to ask my opinion of whose breasts were fake or not judging by their bounce as they ran the track. I was horrified. I insisted none of them were, at which point one of them said I was an idiot as it was obvious this one particular girls were. I responded he was the idiot for speculating and gossiping about this girl and indignantly gave them my back.

The next week in the dance class I took, for some reason we were required to run the track. As I started around the track I became aware that there were potentially 100 pairs of male eyes peering out those windows possibly speculating about my breasts. I couldn't do it. I stopped and walked the rest of the way. When asked by my teacher why I walked it I refused to respond and was chewed out in front of every class out on the field that day. Except for running a few steps after my kids, that was the last time I did any sort of running.

I have wanted to run so many times over the years, but I am rather large and too self conscious of my body. What's that you say?.......Wear a sports bra? To find one that can give me any sense of public decency it would have to be so tight as to cut off my circulation. Imagine if you will, a two handed yoyo trick with each yoyo flying wildly in different directions. That's what happens when I run. IT IS TRUST ME! Now that I am older, it feels like there is much more than just my breasts bouncing in all directions.

At the beginning of August, I was evaluating my inability to loose the weight I want to lose. I set a goal of diet and/or exercise and while I can move the needle some I always seem to get side tracked by other things. These goals fade to the back ground. I think because my health is an on going project, the rest of my life, it always seems I will get back on track when I can. It is getting harder and harder to do this. 

I thought about the times I am overwhelmed with the urge to just run. Run and run and run. My currerephobia always freezes me up before I can even get my sneakers on. 

It hit me, that was going to be my new goal. Hit two birds with one stone. Overcome my fear of running, which would naturally improve my health.

I am going to run a 5K. 

I told Rooster what I wanted to do. He is very supportive. I did allot of research on how to train for it.  I found the perfect 5K race in my community scheduled 6 months from the time I made my decision.

Then I read Sarah's story at Clear as Mud and was doubly inspired. I am not ready to run a half marathon yet, but : D it may be my new goal in six months.

This was supposed to be my post for my one year anniversary. Better late than never.

Mid February is my 5K. After a bumpy start, last week my training went well. I am very excited about this. I can't really explain why. Maybe because in part I am shaking off the hold those jerks have had over me for 30 years. It doesn't matter, I am excited.




!!!!Wish me luck!!!!!

The Long Weekend

I guess you could say this is part II to my last post.

Thank you to everyone that responded. I write to clarify my feelings. I hit publish because if I can find the courage to share it with all of you I should be able to share it with Rooster. Your comments help me feel not so isolated and alone in the turmoil.

And so..........

This summer we were supposed to focus on each other and what we wanted with this lifestyle. Instead, it seems we all took an unplanned vacation. The stress from the end of the academic year and MIL's visit, it took us a while to regain our feet. About six weeks ago I realized I wasn't feeling well. I amped up my exercise and diet.

After three weeks I realized my body wasn't responding the way it usually does. I went to Rooster and asked him to help me again. I told him I was scared, my body wasn't responding the way it usually did and I needed help. I needed his help to push me past my hesitancy and reserve to do what I needed to do. I told him I was really concerned if this didn't happen I was going to find myself in a bad place health wise. I also told him I had set a goal I wanted to meet to help me push through. He was thrilled with the goal I had set and promised he would do whatever he could to help me. He told me over and over "Don't worry, everything will be alright".

The next few weeks followed the same course as every time we tried to start this, 1st week nothing, 2nd week evaluation, 3rd week he sets goals and they just sort of fade away as the week progresses.

This time, the last few days of that week I felt things happening in my body that really scared me. I knew they were signs of serious health problems with very serious consequences if it wasn't addressed. I researched it to confirm my suspicions and even though I knew I was correct, I still couldn't completely acknowledge it to myself. Until I woke up Saturday morning with pain shooting through my hands and legs. I was now forced to acknowledge it to myself and Rooster.

I went on offense and he went on defense, both fueled by fear.

He then went into planning mode to address it. One of the elements of the plan is that I would now be going to the gym with him in the mornings. The second was that we would both completely cut certain things out of our diet for a week to see how our bodies responded.

It wasn't until Saturday evening that he made a mistake:

"You know, I am glad this happened."

I think my eyes almost popped out of my head from the explosion that took place inside it .........and he saw it.

"What? Don't you want to know why I feel that?"

I already know why, but I really hope you spare me.

"Why?" only slightly belligerent.

"Because now it gives you a sense of urgency....desperation..."

"I WAS ALREADY DESPERATE! I toold you that almost a month ago."

"You weren't desperate then...you just wanted help with your focus on exercising."

"I TOLD YOU I WAS SCARED!"

"Oh, I just thought..."

At which point he retreated with a bemused look on his face. Before I was terrified, depressed........now I was angry. That is what prompted my 2am post. I was in need of clarification and release.

The anger didn't leave me, it just became a solid weight.

Sunday morning we traded more words about the situation. Then we rans some errands. We stopped to grab something to eat. While we were finishing our meal he saw and felt my discontent. He made a sweeping gesture with his hand to indicate I should begin. I tried to calmly address some things that were said earlier in the day.

"I am just frustrated that nothing is ever about me, it is always about someone else..."

"Don't say that, it's not true. I don't want you to think that way..."

"It is always about someone else. You even made this about you earlier today!"

How did I do that?

You told me, don't be depressed (he said with complete frustration) because you were already depressed about alot of other things and if I was depressed it would just be too much, so don't. 

This is about me and you made it about you."

"I just don't want you to be depressed"

 "I am depressed. You can't demand it not be so. I have to work through this."

So Monday, we got up early and went to the gym and I also did yoga after. We started talking about the revised menu for the week and he realized he needed to change his menu for work and we brain stormed what to get for him. We went to the store and purchased the items to supplement his lunch. It wasn't until that that night that it hit me. Damn.....what about my lunch? It happened again.

I have been carrying this weight of anger since Saturday evening. Every morning at the gym he can see it. He told me I look like I am doing everything I can to not give him the bird, which is true. I have been trying to pinpoint exactly why I am so angry. I don't blame him for my health problems. But there is a culmination of history happening.

This morning I woke up again angry. I couldn't sleep again til 1 am. He went to the gym and I followed. This morning he was a little distant. I thought I was pushing him away with my anger. We came home, had breakfast and I heard him call my name from the bedroom. I went in to see him leaning against the bathroom door with his arms crossed. He swept his arm to indicate the bed where the two new yet to be used leather paddle and strap were sitting.

Now I was pissed. Are you serious?

"I was thinking about this the whole time I was at the gym. I think you need this."

I was just sputtering the whole time, "What...now.....are you serious.....". The thought that was going through my mind was, "You better not make the mistake of making this about you, "I don't want you to be angry"." He never used the word "I", always "You".  As I grudgingly got into position I wondered if he was making a conscious choice or if this was unconsciously really about me.

He went longer and harder then he ever has before. He talked through it, which is a first.

My anger allowed me to take more than I thought I could and it just built throughout the process. At one point he stopped to rub and talk, I wept alittle. He continued and I stopped crying and became so angry I was about to turn on him. He stopped to rub and talk again. I thought that was it, but after a few seconds he started again, harder this time. I collapsed and quietly wept. He stopped and I climb up on the bed. He held me and told me he loved me and he wanted me to sleep. He had been concerned about how little sleep my anger was allowing me. I didn't intend to, the minute he left for work I was going to  get up, but I suddenly became really tired and fell into sleep.

When I woke up, my disguise of anger was gone. Now there was still the hurt that had been hiding behind it.

He called to check on me. He asked why I was so angry. He said he knew but he wanted to hear me say it. I knew he didn't know, I only figured out last night.

"Because I don't think you ever really HEAR me."

This isn't the first time this has happened, where I have told him something several times and then when it is shoved in his face he is surprised. He got really quiet and said we would talk more when he got home.

Sigh...


It is all still a work in progress.






Again thanks for all your support.

Our One Year Anniversary

September 1st is our one year anniversary practicing DD. We talked about it for three months before this, but this was our official start date......... also when I started this blog.

This is not the post I had planned or wanted to write. It is where I have found myself at the moment.

I am in a difficult situation. In all fairness I am here through my own fault. I do not blame him for where I am now.

But broken promises....

I saw this coming and asked Rooster over and over to help me to stay focused to avert this.  It is one of those mundane, repetitive things that needs attention.

Over and over he promised he would.

Over and over he failed to keep his promise.

Now here I am......and I am  scared, hurt, angry, and bitter....I have lost trust.

I had a better understanding of where we were a year ago when we started DD than now.

Now......

I have to get out of this mess.

I have to do it myself.

Go Sarah, Go! (Clear as Mud)

You are an inspiration Sarah! You've got this! Enjoy the moment!

    Go! Sarah! Go!

The Alpha's Apprentice

We were driving somewhere one day. I should say Rooster was driving, I was in the passenger seat and  our 5'5'' son was somehow lying in the back seat with his seatbelt on. O_o

Rooster suddenly started lecturing the women in the car in front of us. He does that. Thankfully the windows were closed.

"Why are you smoking, sticking your hand out of the car like that? You are a beautiful young girl. Don't you know smoking will prematurely age you?"

Since the windows were closed I felt safe in responding, believe me if they were open I wouldn't dare encourage him. He would just start speaking louder to hopefully be heard by the women.

"Have you noticed that more and more people are smoking again?"

"Young people"

"And it seems to be more women than men"

from the depths of the back seat pipes the voice of our son

"I have a theory about that!"

"Oh really, and what is this theory?"

"Women are not used to competing in the world like men. They find it extremely stressful, so they are turning to cigarettes to deal with it."

Hysterical laughter from the front seat.

"That is very true. He makes a valid point."

I was still laughing and internally shaking my head at my Alpha male and his little Apprentice.

DDS

Domestic Discipline.........Spanking?

This is what Rooster calls it, DDS. I assume the S stands for spanking, but I don't really know. He started calling it this the weekend I finally gave up complete control of this thing. Nothing has really happened since then.

I haven't been around for a number of reasons.
1. I hurt my shoulder. I don't know how, I woke up one morning with what felt like a walnut lodged under my shoulder blade. I tried to work it out and it only made it worse. The next two weeks, I spent trying to sweep the floor with one arm, resting the bad arm on a pillow, not getting any sleep because I had to lay flat on my back (tummy sleeper) and only able to tolerate wearing a bra for one hour out of each day.
2. The software on my cell phone crashed. What?! There is software on my cell phone?! Who put it there and why?! It was completely dead. It took two weeks to get a new one and so I wasn't getting instant updates like I usually did. When I got the "new" phone it had the new software on it. oh yeah. I still haven't figured it out.
3. Last, but not least, I needed to focus on other things, get drawn up in other projects. Spending too much time in blogland I was starting to get antsy. The urge to get things moving again was to easily triggered when reading how wonderfully, easily, swingingly things were going for others. : P

Renaming DDS was the first thing Rooster did to begin make this thing his own. NOTHING has happened since then. We haven't even been on one of our coffee dates since then. We are spending time with each other, just not talking about us. I have really missed our coffee dates.

Suddenly, last weekend as we were getting ready for bed Rooster said

You know I really miss DDS.

I thought we were still doing it.

Yes....we are.......it just seems we have been really busy lately.

Yeah, I thought we would at least keep our coffee dates. I really miss that. What do you miss about it?

Everything!

What exactly? Spanking or our dates or......

All of it! I miss all of it.

Well it is in your hands.

I know.

I think he was feeling nostalgic about it after our misunderstanding earlier in the day over me spending $1000 without clearing it with him first. It was something that had to be done, he just didn't appreciate finding out about it 2 days later. I think it went through his mind to tilt me over the bed for it, but he shared some blame in the misunderstanding. I know if he is at fault even in the slightest, he won't hold me responsible for my part.

Last night we were watching episodes of some of our favorite shows we recorded while MIL was visiting. Rooster was sitting on the floor going through the DVR "cleaning it".  He was deleting things, changing the record settings on some things. I will admit most of the recordings are mine.  I was sitting behind him on the sofa, giving directions on what actions needed to be taken with each show.

Suddenly he reared up, turned to me and said

Would you just stop it?!!!!!!!

What?! completely bewildered at what I could have possibly done to cause this sudden reaction.

Stop giving me orders! "No not that. Yes that. Do this.....do that" You have been giving me orders for days! As he was saying this he stood up and came towards me.

No, I haven't! I was laughing hysterically now.

I was lounging on the sofa on my left side. Rooster came up to me, placed his right hand on my right shoulder and sort of pushed/held me down, then he tilted me forward a little forcing my right hip to turn towards him  and he placed his left hand on that hip with his fingers wrapped around resting on my bum.

You need to stop doing this!

I was breathless with laughter....

Or I will take care of it! Do you know what I am saying?! Huh?! Do you understand?! He had this gleeful, evil intent look on his face as he pushed/shock me down into the sofa.

I grasped Yes!

He let me up and I tried to gain control of my laughter. A few seconds later, he asks

I didn't scare you with the way I reacted did I?

I think it is safe now to reveal exactly who we really are to blogland. I am sure most of you have already figured it out, the bird names didn't fool you for a second. So here we are:

That's right! I am really a hare and Rooster is a tortoise. Until I finally recognized that I was still trying to control everything this is more of how it was:

S - l - o - w - l - y Rooster is owning his role. I hope that I am not caught napping when he finally comes into his own.

In honor of Bas

I am reposting my "Spankful for Bas' post to honor Bas who past away yesterday.

Bas I question your commitment to the role of HoH. As HoH you are supposed to be familiar with every aspect of your wife's existence. The comment you left on my post "I am coming out of the closet" left me very troubled. There is no need to go back to look for it, I copy and pasted it here.

BasJanuary 21, 2013 at 10:07 AM

Maybe you first need to test if this closet is soundproof.

Lisa has a wardrobe/closet that once belonged to her granddad and that she already had in her room when she was a little girl.

It has been in my living room now for 35 years and I have never opened it.

She is absolutely not ready for that!

She is not ready?....or YOU are not ready?

Seriously!

35 years!

You are not curious at all!

FORGET CURIOUS! IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS HoH TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HOME!

What if she has a pile of money traceable to a bank robbery she committed in her youth!

No, you don't think?

What if it holds her secret collection of Elvis Plates!

Beatles Plates?!

OK! OK!

David Hasselhoff plates!

You don't think so?

What if Lisa's closet is like the one in the Chronicles of Narnia?

What if everyday when you turn your back, she sneaks away into her wardrobe for a magical adventure WITHOUT YOU?!

ARE YOU GOING TO TOLERATE THAT?!

Orrrrrrrr......

What if Rogue's Dopp is hiding in there?.......Waiting to jump out at you or Lisa at any momen.......

Uh...

never mind

Can you see Dopp hiding in a closet?

You are more likely to look up one day to see her sitting on your couch with a glass of your best, most expensive wine in her hand looking at you with a cocked brow and a very knowing look.

Mmmmm....no that's not Dopp....

Yeah......alittle better

EXACTLY!

Enough speculation!

You will march yourself over to that wardrobe this second and open those doors to reveal what is inside!

Show us the HoH that you claim to be! 

EXERT YOUR AUTHORITY!

DON'T TOUCH THAT DOOR!

I know what is in there.

Every time Lisa wanted to tell you she loved you and couldn't

Every time she wanted to bash you over the head for comparing her to her mother

(Tsk! Really Bas! A rookie mistake!)

Every time she felt a moment of tenderness she didn't know how to express

Every time she saw you make a speech or weld your authority and felt overwhelming pride and possession

Every time she turned a compliment away, rebuffed your decisions when she really wanted to follow

All of Lisa's feelings.....everything she every repressed....over the last 35 years!

It is all packed in there.

If you open that wardrobe, 35 years will come whooshing out in seconds and will swarm you.

At first it will feel like small kisses

but all to quickly it will overwhelm you

no corporeal presense could withstand that

No....it is better to wait til the corporeal is no more.

What a beautiful thing to look forward to!

Ok

Soooo......maybe I was wrong....

*sigh*

You knew what was in there didn't you?

*sigh*

You are a good HoH after all.

Huh

Who would have believed it?!

Thanks Bas!

Do you feel it Bas? All of Lisa, your children, your grandchild, blogland.....alll of our love flying up to you. You will be missed.