Is there a difference in the way they touch?
Since I first "came out" to my husband about DD, there has been a difference in the way he touches me. In giving him permission to spank me hard, he touches me far more often in a soft caress. He holds me more often, his arm around my shoulders or waist in public. In the first years of marriage we always held hands, then we started a family and there was always a child between us. As they out grow this stage, we never reached for each others hands again. The few times we did it felt awkward. We are holding hands again.
As we walk through the grocery store doing our weekly shopping together, he will have his arm around my shoulders. When I stop to ask him a question, he will step in front of me sliding his hand across my upper back in a caress, sweeping it down across my shoulder and as he pulls his arm away he will lightly caress the side of my breast. It always freaks me out. Did any one see that? But I love it. I think I should note that for some reason this always seems to happen in the bread aisle. LOL!
Last week I was so stressed out. I couldn't sleep. I only managed three hours a night for five days. Truthfully, I have gone much longer with less sleep before and didn't have this reaction. My mind wouldn't stop. It felt like it was a wild run away train and each night that passed it would gain in speed. I would lie in bed for hours with my mind clicking away like a train moving across the tracks. Clickty, clackity, clickty, clackity, clickty, clackity! I was frantic for relief, literally shaking with the need for release. I begged my husband to "whack the bejeebers out of me".
Lol. "Do you want me to use a spoon or a belt?"
"Start with the hair brush, then the spoon, then the belt, then"
"Don't worry, I'll take care of you."
This was all said in a bantering tone, but he knew I was serious. It shocked him a little I think. I had my doubts that he would be able to do it, help me that is. I knew by his tone he wasn't talking about spanking. If whatever he did didn't work (including spanking me) I was afraid I would lose it, like ranting and screaming and throwing things, completely wild and incoherent. No, I have never done that, but it is how close to the edge I felt.
That night, he rolled me to my belly. He started to massage my back, hard. He asked if I wanted the spoon instead. I said no, this was fine. I didn't think anything would work so it didn't really matter. I started crying.......... out of frustration. He can't stand to see me cry so he turned off the lights and continued massaging while I cried. It was a little bit of a release but not nearly enough. When he stopped, he curled himself around my side and started stroking my back. Then he moved up to my hair, brushing it back from my face with his fingers, smoothing it over my head. He has never, ever done this before. It was the most incredible feeling. In a blink I was out and woke up nine hours later completely refreshed and incredulous that him stroking my hair is what totally relaxed me. Talk about a reset. I kissed his hand with gratitude and was ready to accomplish anything and everything he asked of me. He has done this several times since then. It never fails, so far, to put me to sleep.
So....have you noticed this? Is it happening to you? These touches, caresses in ways and places that has never happened before? Is it changing the way you respond to him?
Feel free to leave a message, be kind.
So sweet the way he touches you now! Honestly I can't remember how Jim touched me prior to any DD, since its always been DD, but he is always touching me. Little caresses, taking my hand, stroking my hair, my neck etc. Love it! I touch him just as much too. It's an interesting question if DD heightens this is couples. Need a research study done!
ReplyDeleteIt used to be that way in the beginning of our marriage, not as much as now, but more than there has been in the last decade.
DeleteHe even searches for me in bed in his sleep with his foot, tucking his toes under my leg. He never did this before.
I agree, a research study should be done.
The increased touching, playing with my hair, touching my bottom, these were some of the first things that I noticed with Ian. We have gone out to public events, and find ourselves holding hands above and under the table - anything to touch.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are seeing these changes - things like this, I have begun to think of as the binding ingredient in our version of ttwd. The discipline, the cognitive changes that we are making is the foundation, the mass and the intimacy makes everything stick together. It is those little things that hold it all together through the times of upheaval.
I couldn't be happier for you BBird....you are such a sweetie and deserve so much happiness.
hugs
lillie
and I agree with Christina - please someone do the study...
Thanks Lillie,
DeleteI agree about it helping you through the upheaval. We had a crisis this weekend and the way we handled it was very different, far more intimate than ever before. That is what made me start thinking about this.
Hugs back!
Hi BB - such a sweet post. If you were to do a survey of DD/TTWD relationships, you would probably find that prior to DD, most of the women pulled away or pushed the husband away more than once. The dynamics have now changed and you are no longer doing that so he feels much more comfortable in showing his affection. Just my opinion. :) Have a wonderful day.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
Thanks Cat,
DeleteBut I am through accepting the blame for all the problems we have had. We were and are both in this together. I have tried to show him physical affection and support in the past and either been barely tolerated or rejected. I have no idea who started it first. It's kind of the case of what came first, the chicken or the egg.
I wonder if it is more the idea of me asking for DD, opening myself up to him, making myself vulnerable and accepting physical pain from him that has allowed him to open himself up to me emotionally, making him vulnerable to emotional pain from me. Was that too convoluted?
Anyway, something happened at the beginning of this week and he was completely open to me, accepting everything I gave him and giving in return. It was incredible. I started wondering what caused the change, because honestly I am still struggling with the whole submissive thing. In fact I fell off the DD horse and had to dust myself off and climb back on at least once this weekend. Maybe it is that, that I keep trying and he sees it. This physical affection has really become a way of communicating now. It is something on a level I have never experienced before, even in the beginning.
Thanks Cat, you are helping me to articulate it still to myself. : )
Hi Blue Bird,
ReplyDeleteYes, Cat has it completely right. Before DD, the husband is always keeping his distance, he doesn't want to be brushed off.
He expects that, because it is the what always happens.
After DD, he is sure you won't brush him off, so he feels free to love you. That's much more important than feeling free to spank you.
That is the thing Bas. This weekend I brushed him off. He wouldn't let up on something and I finally turned away. When I had a little talk to myself about my unsubmissive behavior and turn back to him, he was there waiting. It is like he doesn't take it personally any more. Truthfully, I have been rejected many times before as well. As I wrote to Cat, I don't know who started it and it doesn't really matter, the point is......I don't know what the point is...LOL!................................
Deletestill thinking it through.
We are both so much more physical than we used to be. My husband has always been a hugger and so we've always had that but after starting Dd, I also noticed all the little touches and we hold hands whenever we can. Sometimes even in bed falling asleep we'll grab hands. I'm not at all surprised that his hand stroking your hair meant so much. It does for me too and actually wells up a ton of emotion when he cradles my head and strokes my hair. I don't really know why, but it's an important point of connection now. Discovering those touches has helped us communicate, even to the point where when we are in conflict, instead of hurling stuff across the room at each other, we sit down close to each other and talk. We touch and it all goes down much more calmly. Sheesh...sorry for the novel.
ReplyDeleteI don't see a novel, just a paragraph. I'd love to see the novel.
DeleteHe reaches for my hand too. We have never been people who are wrapped around each other in sleep, but now we seek out connection with a touch of the foot or hand. Touching and caressing have become part of our communication.
I am interested to see how it affects our communication during conflict. LOL! But not interested enough to start a conflict.
Like Christina, Ward & I have always been DD, so I can't compare there. I can say the opposite in previous relationships, when I felt they weren't stepping up, didn't have my back I pulled away.
ReplyDeleteWard and I have talked about how we are always touching, and we notice the physical and sometimes palpable emotional distance in lots of people we see. I think it is the openness, the vulnerability it creates a reciprocity. I am submissive to him, he protects, buffers, I feel more submissive, he feels more protective...It's quite lovely.
That is what I am starting to think. It is the act of submitting to him, being open and vulnerable to him that is allowing him to be more open and vulnerable (giving and accepting) to me.
ReplyDelete