Locked Lips

I shut down everything for a while. I didn't lurk....I didn't even check my e-mails for over a week. Things have been really rough.

Two weeks ago we had a scare involving x-rays, waiting for a phone call, the mention of cancer, cat scans done, waiting for a phone call, no cancer , yes to pneumonia, blood tests, waiting for a phone call...........it was incredibly stressful, but incredible in other ways as well. We clung together as we never had before. I can't really describe it, but it was the most intimate experience I have ever had, even though fear was underlying everything.

At the end of that week, it was confirmed there was no serious illness, but he was still struggling with his bodies overreactive defense to what is a fairly common illness.

Suddenly, he was gone. Mentally he just completely retreated. I tried to reach out and was rebuffed, rejected. I tried to make a suggestion and he reacted overly harsh. Yes, it was the third time I had made the suggestion....in a month. I didn't deserve that reaction. I tried to be patient and understanding, but after the stressful, but incredible week before, I started to resent it.

As the week went on, I became more and more angry. In the middle of all this, family came over. We host Thanksgiving Dinner every year. There could be from 10 to 20 people and a deep fried turkey.

It continued on, him pulling more and more away from me. It was just me. He spoke very gently, teasingly to our daughter, was incredible patient with our son, but the sight of me seemed to irritate him. Saturday we had to go out shopping for a piece of furniture. He tried to be more normal, but half of his responses were still snapped at me. I became more and more angry. Before we started this journey in DD, I would have been angry, but I would have just withdrawn to protect myself. Now, I was unbelievably pissed and chomping at the bit to take him on. The only thing that stopped me from laying into him was the fact that he was still so sick. When we got home that afternoon, he retreated to the bed room and completely shut me out. Yes, my anger was climbing. I was vibrating with it.

That night, he was already in bed, lights out, but not asleep when I joined him. Unfortunately for me, Contrary Carrie was there as well. Stiletto heels and curled lip complete. Seriously, if he had turned on the lights he would have seen my lip curled almost up to my nose and nose tilted to the air in complete disgust and distain. GRRRRR! We lie there for an hour and a half. I felt him slowly realize, even in the dark, there was danger.  Here was Contrary Carrie at her best. I wanted him to reach for me, to initiate......you know. Yeah, my hormones were raging (maybe adding fuel to the fire?). But if he had, I do believe I would have attacked.

My mind was circling with everything I wanted to say to him, accusations, recriminations, ultimatums........ I couldn't take it anymore and left the bed. He was still awake. We never said a word to each other.

Fortunately, with distance some sanity returned. I spent the next several hours reviewing my options. A little more sane then the ultimatums I wanted to fling at him while lying in bed. Those ultimatums would have left me stuck in a position I didn't want to be really.

At a little after 3 a.m., I was calmer, Carrie had left in disgust a while before and I went to bed. It helped that he was a sleep.

I was hoping that on Sunday we would have our weekly time together (it hasn't happened in two weeks) running errands and sitting somewhere enjoying a coffee and talking. I was going to bring everything up in a calm way.


HE INVITED THE KIDS TO JOIN US! I was shocked. Did he do this on purpose to avoid a discussion? Before my shock could turn to anger, he turned to me uncertainly and after a few seconds he put his arm around me and pulled me to him. I allowed it, put held myself stiff. I wasn't going to get over it that easily.

"So, you're over me aren't you?"

"Which part of you do you think I am over?"

"me being sick......."

Carrie tried to step in. She wanted to ram her stiletto heel onto the arch of his foot. I huffed and blow her away.

"you being sick...it is what it is... we are dealing with it. However, you pushing me away, ignoring me, snapping at me.... yah....I am over it."

We stood there, his arm around me, me not looking at him, waiting.........and he said,

"Yah, you're over me being sick" and he turned away to get ready to leave.

It is a good thing he turned away. Carrie almost got her way with her heel. As it was he just missed the magnificent curl of my upper lip.

The day was calmer then it had been in a while. He felt better than he had in a while. Nothing serious was discussed. But I resolved that when he was better we would sit down and have a serious discussion about this. One of the conclusions I had come to the night before was that I would not tolerate being pushed away again. I had devised a plan of action to deal with it in the future and I was going to tell him exactly how I was going to do it. No, I won't share that now. Most of you HoHs would shake your heads in sympathy for my poor husband dealing with such a wife (insert eye roll here) and most of you ladies would be reaching for the popcorn wanting to know the fall out. I will save it for when I actually tell him, maybe.

The next day was normal (pre DD) and that evening after dinner and dishes I was sitting on the couch in deep thought when he sat next to me.

"What are you thinking about?'

"Nothing." I was startled.

"Are you sure? You look very serious."

"No, nothing" I got up to end the questions and went in to the kitchen.

Why do I do that? I do this more than I would like to admit. I have wanted to talk to him all weekend, but didn't because as much as he deserved my lambasting him, he was too sick and I was too angry. So I locked my lips. Now here he was opening the door wide for me to step through and tell him what I was thinking and I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Locking my lips again. I took a minute to oil the unused hinges and find the key, then force myself to unlock them and went to sit down next to him again.

"Actually,....I was thinking we are probably not going to get back to this thing for a long time."

"This thing?"

"You know, this thing we are doing, Domestic Discipline?"

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, after this last week of your depression, losing everything that we had gained before that....."

"Hm"

"and with *insert his relatives name here* coming to stay with us for a couple of months...."

"Why would you think that would change anything?"

"I didn't think you would want to do this while they are here, with the situation what it will be..."

"Oh no, that won't change anything. Actually, I was thinking about this yesterday, when we could start this going again."

"Really?'

"Yah"

There we are, back at the very beginning again, but still committed to following through. We will need to sit down soon and discuss a lot of things and yes I still plan to inform him of my plan of action if he distances from me again. I plan to start e-mailing him again too. The intimacy isn't were it was before his depression, but now that I have known it, I won't give up on attaining it again. That is what I always imagined marriage would be like in my fantasies. I won't allow either of us to settle for less now.

One thing I am focused on working on right now is oiling my lips and keeping them unlocked.




Feel free to leave a comment, be kind.

Liebster Award

I was nominated by Cat for this first, sorry Wilma, so here it goes:
Here are the rules:

• When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
• Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
• One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
• One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
• One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!

Questions for me from Cat… 

1. What animal would you be and why? An elephant. They travel in herds of females (with conjugal visits from the males), are very maternal, will recognize an elephant they know even if they haven't seen them in decades. They even recognize there bones.
2. What food do you absolutely refuse to eat? Squid, tasteless and I don't like the texture.
3. Leather or wood? Having never experienced leather I would have to say wood.
4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? Somewhere smaller then I live now, Bali, Portland, Grand County Colorado. Somewhere I would always be exploring the outdoors.
5. What is your favorite kind of music? Blues, Jazz, 70's rock, Bluegrass, Folk Rock...........
6. Could you turn your phone off for 24 hours without a panic attack? YES!!! and do!
7. What is your favorite time of day? Early Morning
8. How many pets do you have? None at the moment, unless I can count the ducks we feed in our neighborhood.
9. Scariest sound? car crash
10. Why did you decide to start blogging? To record my journey through DD, to have something to look back on to see how much had changed.
11. Why do you think you were nominated for this award? for fun? 

Since she is sooooo insistent I answer her questions too, here are my answers to Wilma's:

1.  What celebrity to you resemble? Jeanine Garafello (sp?) in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs"
2.  What do you think your husband/ HoH looks sexiest in ? tighty whities
3. Aside from reading my blog, what is your favourite past time? people watching
4. What ONE word best sums up you? dreamer
5. What is one of your guilty pleasures? dark chocolate
6. What is a pet peeve of yours? When people thing they are too good to stand in line and try to skip. This has gotten me in so much trouble in airports.
7. What is your favourite Day of the year? first day of family vacation
8. Again aside from me, who would you like to have a drink with from Blog Land ? actually I was imaging the other day a hugh group of us together sharing lunch in a big hotel giggling hysterically, too many of you.
9. What irrational fears do you have? I insist I have none, my husband would tell you otherwise.
10. What is the best gift you ever recieved? Rocks from my son, when he was little and he and his father went out without me, he would bring back a rock from where ever they had gone for me.
11. What is your least favourite sexual position ( ha..you didn't think I was going to go through this whole thing without ONE naughty question did you?) I haven't found one yet!

Happy now!

11 Random things about myself.....

1. I am actually a night owl, but love the early morning.

2. As I am typing this I am making whole wheat ricotta cheese blueberry pancakes from scratch as I do every Sunday.

3.  I love to travel.

4.  I love hiking.

5.  I love skiing.

6.  Once upon a time I was a performance artist.

7.  I am so organized, I am unorganized.

8. I like to grow plants but don't have the greatest track record with them.

9. I can cook Ethiopian cuisine.

10. I don't enjoy cleaning at all, but when I am angry, I can clean a room in 10 minutes flat and leave it sparkling and smelling of clean.

11. I almost always remember peoples faces but I am terrible remembering names.

I nominated: Lillie, June, Ward, Rogue, Christina, Susie, Mick, Tess, Fondles, Bas, Dana

11 questions for you:

1. What did you want to be when you were little?
2. If you could meet someone famous who is still living who would it be?
3. If you could meet someone famous who was dead who would it be?
4. What kind of car do you drive?
5. Where is your favorite spot in the world?
6. Is there one thing you wish you could change about yourself?
7. If you could get close and touch a wild animal, which one would you want to touch and why?
8. Do you like hot or cold weather?
9. Coffee or tea?
10. What is your favorite cuisine?
11. What is your shoe size?

Sorry, Have fun!

What does he think he knows?

We haven't told our children anything about our decision to try this lifestyle of course. In the beginning there was a little tussle with my son trying to get him to understand my computer was off limits.  We finally came to an understanding.

I picked him up from school today. I finally cleared enough space in the freezer to hold a turkey for Thanksgiving, so we were driving to the store to pick one up.

He wanted the $20 he made from selling one of his old xbox games to a friend.

"Why?"

"I want to buy xbox live points"

"Sorry, you know you have to ask your father's permission before anything is purchase for your xbox."

"But it's not a game."

"You know I won't buy anything for the xbox for you, don't even try."

Two years ago or so, I gave up all responsibility with anything to do with the xbox. It is all in the hands of his father. I couldn't give that control away fast enough. He knows that, but he is a teenager. He can't resist trying to convince me anyway. Fortunately this time there wasn't a lot of heat and/or pleading in his arguments. He was having more fun presenting his case. I just sat and listened. Suddenly in a light, bantering tone he said:


"Mama, are you really going to give control of this marriage to him?"

"Are you going to let him make all of the decisions?"

"You're not going to make any choises yourself?"



What did I say?



I was laughing to hard to say anything.






Have a good weekend!






Feel free to leave a comment, be nice.

A Difference in Touch

Is there a difference in the way they touch?

Since I first "came out" to my husband about DD, there has been a difference in the way he touches me. In giving him permission to spank me hard, he touches me far more often in a soft caress. He holds me more often, his arm around my shoulders or waist in public. In the first years of marriage we always held hands, then we started a family and there was always a child between us. As they out grow this stage, we never reached for each others hands again. The few times we did it felt awkward. We are holding hands again. 

As we walk through the grocery store doing our weekly shopping together, he will have his arm around my shoulders. When I stop to ask him a question, he will step in front of me sliding his hand across my upper back in a caress, sweeping it down across my shoulder and as he pulls his arm away he will lightly caress the side of my breast. It always freaks me out. Did any one see that? But I love it. I think I should note that for some reason this always seems to happen in the bread aisle. LOL!

Last week I was so stressed out. I couldn't sleep. I only managed three hours a night for five days. Truthfully, I have gone much longer with less sleep before and didn't have this reaction. My mind wouldn't stop. It felt like it was a wild run away train and each night that passed it would gain in speed. I would lie in bed for hours with my mind clicking away like a train moving across the tracks. Clickty, clackity, clickty, clackity, clickty, clackity! I was frantic for relief, literally shaking with the need for release. I begged my husband to "whack the bejeebers out of me". 

Lol. "Do you want me to use a spoon or a belt?"

"Start with the hair brush, then the spoon, then the belt, then"

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you."

This was all said in a bantering tone, but he knew I was serious. It shocked him a little I think. I had my doubts that he would be able to do it, help me that is. I knew by his tone he wasn't talking about spanking. If whatever he did didn't work (including spanking me) I was afraid I would lose it, like ranting and screaming and throwing things, completely wild and incoherent. No, I have never done that, but it is how close to the edge I felt.

That night, he rolled me to my belly. He started to massage my back, hard. He asked if I wanted the spoon instead. I said no, this was fine. I didn't think anything would work so it didn't really matter. I started crying.......... out of frustration. He can't stand to see me cry so he turned off the lights and continued massaging while I cried. It was a little bit of a release but not nearly enough. When he stopped, he curled himself around my side and started stroking my back. Then he moved up to my hair, brushing it back from my face with his fingers, smoothing it over my head. He has never, ever done this before. It was the most incredible feeling. In a blink I was out and woke up nine hours later completely refreshed and incredulous that him stroking my hair is what totally relaxed me. Talk about a reset. I kissed his hand with gratitude and was ready to accomplish anything and everything he asked of me. He has done this several times since then. It never fails, so far, to put me to sleep.

So....have you noticed this? Is it happening to you? These touches, caresses in ways and places that has never happened before? Is it changing the way you respond to him?

Feel free to leave a message, be kind.

Love Our Lurkers Day

Come out, come out wherever you are! Today is for you, our lovely Lurkers. You are the readers who raise our pageview numbers every day. So this day is for you.

I was a lurker for a good long while. When it started to feel like stalking I made my move to commenting. LOL! Unfortunately, I was still a lurker longer than I wanted because I couldn't figure out how to comment.

So, this is your chance to make your presence known. I would greatly appreciate it, if you would let me know if you are actual readers or you tripped across this blog and couldn't get out fast enough. LOL!

Write something about yourself, leave a comment. Are you in this lifestyle already, researching or just fascinated?

Leave a name, it doesn't need to be real. There are an abundance of names to choose from,  Marsha, Jane or Cindy, Frodo or the Lady of the Lakes, Cinderella, Brad or Angelina. It's up to you, who do you want to be?

If you are still too shy, just leave a happy face. : )

LOL! If you are like me and can't figure out how to leave a comment, click on the comment box, write your comment, leave your name or fake name, go to Comment as section and click on the arrows and choose Anonymous and then click Publish.

This is one of the most incredible, supportive communities to belong to, so come along and join.

Happy Love Your Lurkers Day! 

Please, please feel free to leave a comment, be kind.

Would you care to join me in a little dance?

So, for the past three weeks, discipline hasn't been around much in our house. It is now three weekends that he hasn't asked for my food journal. It is a good thing for me, if he ever does look at it there may be quite a reckoning. He hasn't really applied any of the consequences to any of the broken rules.

But that's OK, because my husband has been slowly dunning his cloak of authority, without fear of me trying to wear it with him, despite being sick.  There was the scene in "Reality and Dreams" and a few others, that have not been as dramatic, involving our son were my husband took the lead.

The one thing my husband has yet to do is to come up with a rule of his own and implement it. I made the list of all our initial rules (with his approval). I added to them (with his approval) when it seemed needed.

Until last night.

We have people coming to stay in December for long weeks over the Holidays. He looked around the main living areas in our house and made the comment, "There is a lot of work that needs to be done to get the house ready. Can you please clear the table from your sewing and take the donation boxes?"

I have a lot of projects that, I am behind in sewing. The donation boxes, I admit I have let sit to long. I don't just do a spring cleaning. I do a fall cleaning also. I have boxes of books to be resold and/or donated to the public library. I still have a hugh box of my to big clothes (yah me!) that is waiting to be donated, I still haven't finished going through my closet. The books have been sitting for 2 months and the clothes for a month.

Suddenly, his manner, his body took on a very HoHy posture, head thown back, hands on hips. He looked at me very decisively and said,

" So, by what day do you think you can take care of this?"

Huh?

Then before my eyes, he kind of deflated and said, " You know this thing we are doing..........but really I am just too tired right now."


He didn't follow through with it. But, with him as sick as he has been this is a hugh step. I had a hugh smile inside.


So


I ask you



would you care to join me



in a little dance?

I'll walk slow

with a heavy dose of medication....

I originally posted this on Oct 30. I pulled it down for many confused reasons that maybe you will understand when you read it. I began this blog to document my journey so....I am putting it back up, with a little more detail. Everything in green is new.

So, I sent him my last post.

He read it in front of me. 

He said nothing.

and still nothing

stiiiill nothing

sigh

still nothing

So my mood declined suddenly and rapidly.

I was patient all day and then in a matter of 30 minutes.....

Boom!

I began to curse him with my eyes.
He got angry because the change was so sudden.
He cursed me with his eyes.
I pushed him to talk to me about the post.
He got angry that I was pushing.
Anger, assumptions, accusations
misunderstandings, misinterpretations

I wanted to lay down and forget it all.

The pain of looking at his cursing eyes, the guilt, was too much for my people pleasing soul.

talk

talk

talk

It was talked out.

We ended in a better place.....with new understanding and acceptance.

So we start again

slowly


I was listening to my favorite band yesterday and this song spoke to me of my struggles on this DD journey. The song is about lost love. No, we haven't lost our love but are building it to something more. The feelings evoked in this song mirror my feelings of guilt, despondency and hope.
This wasn't what I was feeling days after the discussion, it was how I felt during our discussion on the weekend.

So here it is, I hope you enjoy it...

Mumford and Sons
"Lovers Eyes"

It is six minutes long so you can skip to the text version after the video if you don't have the time.

"Lover's Eyes"

Love was kind, for a time

Now just aches and it makes me blind

We were having an incredible weekend, then I pushed and it hurt.

This mirror holds my eyes too bright

I can't see the others in my life

Were we too young? And heads too strong?

To bear the weight of these lover's eyes.

'Cause I feel numb, beneath your tongue

Neath the curse of these lover's eyes.

He was angry that I pushed and ruined the weekend.

But do not ask the price I pay,

I must live with my quiet rage,

Tame the ghosts in my head,

That run wild and wish me dead.

Should you shake my ash to the wind

Lord, forget all of my sins

Oh, let me die where I lie

Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

At one point I prayed for God to just end it because it was to painful, the discussion. Yes, I know overly dramatic.

There's no drink nor drug I tried

To rid the curse of these lover's eyes

And I feel numb, beneath your tongue

Your strength just makes me feel less strong

I was filled with guilt and going numb because he was falling back on old habits to deal instead of the new ones we set in place. I knew my guilt would get no release. 

But do not ask the price I pay,

I must live with my quiet rage,

Tame the ghosts in my head,

That run wild and wish me dead.

Should you shake my ash to the wind

Lord, forget all of my sins

Oh, let me die where I lie

Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, help me on my way.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

During the course of the discussion, I discovered He thought the post "Reality and Dreams" was against him. It wasn't, it was about my realization of how far I had gone around the bend with my need for control. After that things started to calm down and we reconnected and continued our incredible weekend.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, help me on my way.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow

Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

Cat made a comment below. It immediately cut me on the raw. I thought, "Are you kidding me! Your blaming me too?". I starting crying. Don't worry Cat it was a good thing. I was shocked by my response and immediately commented back, to which she comment back and then I pulled the post. It was too painful. 

Our fight over the weekend was over one issue that was resolved, but there were things said in that discussion that highlighted a problem. We have a serious communication problem and Cats comments helped me to sight why this whole event kept cycling in my head.

I went back and reread Old Fashion Marriage's post on why your man won't communicate. It is here if you want to read it. I had to acknowledge that in the past I behaved in a way that shut him down during a discussion. He has become defensive and tries to shut the conversation down before it begins and I can shut him down. 

To make everything worse, we have both been having health problems. He is on his 4th course of antibiotics with an option to refill. It has been physically and mentally draining for him. I didn't realize how important the good days had become to him.

When I started my submission (May), I lost a lot of weight and was able to cut my blood pressure medication in half. A month ago, I stopped at one of those blood pressure machines to test my pressure. I am more physically fit than I have been in a very long time. I was shocked to discover that my pressure was higher than it had ever been. I started slowly increasing my medication. It didn't help, at all. I went to the doctor and was put on a stronger medication. The stress from my husbands health problems, starting DD and much more were causing my pressure to go up, which made me feel edgy, agitated, almost panicked at times, which increased the stress of a situation, which increased my pressure. It was a vicious circle, kind of like a cat frantically chasing its tail.

So we talked and agreed to slow down, not stop but slow down, until our health problems are better. In the mean time, we are going to work on rules to help us to return to a healthy way of communicating. It didn't used to be this way. This is proof that nothing is ever stagnate, especially a relationship, it is always changing and if you aren't paying attention it changes to something you never envisioned or wanted.

That is were we are right now....walking slow.......hand in hand.....both of us heavily dosed with medication.

Please feel free to leave a comment, be kind.