or.....

The house is quiet now.

It is a little sad, the house I mean. Ok, ok the few left in it are a little sad too.

We couldn't wait to be a smaller group, but now we don't know what to do with ourselves.

It has now been a year this month since I discovered and approached Rooster about Domestic Discipline. I discovered this life style and three or four days later I approached him about it. I wrote the exact date down somewhere, but....well....I can't remember where. LOL!

Monday of this week was set for our beginning date, again. We are now up to two hands when counting how many times we have restarted this thing in this past year.

Again we are starting off with exercising and my food journal.

At times I have thought it was a mistake to make a rules list. I was afraid it made it too mechanical. He has been against doing maintenance or role affirmation. I have always felt that he was going to need to get really angry with me before he really got it, before he would really begin to live this life, I guess you could say, "as his right". Even though I gave him this right, he has had a very hard time accepting it. I was sure this would happen pretty quickly, me making him angry. One thing about this life, fortunately?......unfortunately?, is how much it improves your communication. We have opened up to each other so much, he has become far more patient with me and discusses things much more than we did before. So the explosions, that usually happened every three months or so have not happened.......or at least they were not dealt with in the way they were before or the way I was expecting. There has been a LOT of talking!

The other thing that has bothered me about how we are doing this lifestyle is that as the leader, he does not feel that he can hold me accountable for something if he is also not following through. Yes I know, that is a sign of a good leader, BUT, it depends on what context this is in. The exercising and food journal ......sigh ......because he has been sick and all of the other things going on he has not been consistent in going to the gym. So, if I didn't work out he didn't feel right calling me on it, since he failed to set an example. The problem is our bodies are very different. Rooster has an uber fast metabolism. If he doesn't eat well for two or three days his wrists become very thin and frail looking and his legs become thin sticks. If I don't eat well for two or three days it won't make a difference by sight or scale.  Rooster is always telling me not to compare myself to him when discussing food or exercise. He can eat and eat and eat and he never goes over a certain weight. The scale is a yo-yo for me.

I have gained back 10 pounds of the weight that I lost when we first started this a year ago. I am frustrated and for the first time in my life very scared about this.  The last two times we started DD I told him I was starting to gain weight and I really wanted him to help me with this. Every single time for some reason the intention was stated but the action never happened. There was never any follow through.

So, it is Monday and we are restarting DD. Focusing first on food journal and exercise. I was excited. Our schedule was clear. Nothing in the way for some time so we could focus on us. I woke up at 6 am to start the day. Got my one remaining chick off to school and then started my exercise. I have been exercising for over two months again but it hasn't been consistent.

Then I realized, he had intended to wake up early in the morning and go to the gym. He was still in bed. In fact I remembered him shutting off his alarm, which goes off before mine if he is going to the gym.

Great. Here we go again. I finished my exercise.  Fueled with resentment.

I knew he wasn't feeling well the night before. Allergies. I knew from past history, past patterns that this (DD) probably wouldn't happen again.

Ye know, I still get my butt up every morning no matter how I feel to feed and send everyone else on their way. HUH! This was my mind set and it wasn't completely true, but that is another story.

When he got up for work he was still exhausted. I walked in the room to check on him and he asked,

"Why didn't you wake me up?'

slightly snippy, "I didn't think about it" and I left the room.

Rooster came out of the bedroom a little hesitant.

"What's wrong? I know you are upset about something?"

I almost deflected, but since starting DD I have worked hard not to do that. It never helped in the past and DD is all about communication so, I very calmly said...

"I am just a little frustrated because I know, since you didn't go to the gym, nothing is going to happen with DD."

It seemed as if he was still asleep and having a hard time computing what I was saying.

"I am not upset about you not going to the gym, but I know that if I didn't exercise, I did but if I didn't, I know you won't follow through on this whole DD thing. You are always telling me not to compare   myself to you, but then you hold me to your standard with this. It is frustrating. Anyway, your breakfast is ready."

He didn't respond. He moved slowly around the kitchen getting everything ready to leave, ate his breakfast, gave me a kiss good bye and left for work.

It was a busy morning. Around 11am I got a chance to call and check on him. He was slow in his responses and distracted. Mondays are always hard at work, everyone calling none stop.

Around 1pm he called and said,

"Are you home?"

"yes"

"Good. I am so angry with you."

Surprised? "Why?"

"You just ran all over me this morning! You totally ripped me down. How do you know what I am going to do?! How do you know I won't follow through?!"

A little stunned....."History. This has happened so many times this past year."

"You don't know what is going to happen this time! You are getting angry and ripping me apart over your assumptions! You don't know anything, but you are getting angry about it!"

"I wasn't angry. I was irritated. Not about you not exercising but because that always leads you to not follow through with DD because you don't want to hold me accountable for what you are not doing. But then you always tell me not to compare myself to you. It is the way you are approaching this whole thing that is frustrating and irritating me."

"You don't know what I will do."

Silence

"I have to go. Bye."

"Bye."

Great. Apparently, I wasn't so calm this morning expressing myself.

Later, our internet went out and I dropped my son at the library to finish a project using their computers. I was checking my phone to see if there was a message from him and noticed that Rooster had sent me a text. Not a good sign. Rooster doesn't text.

Rooster: I will be running late, do not wait for me for dinner.

I didn't text him back because an hour had already passed since he sent the text. He was already in the gym.

Is he so angry he will grab something to eat outside? Great, the rest of the week is not going to be fun. We are supposed to go out of town for the long weekend. Either that idea will be dropped or we will be very tense and distant the whole trip. Great, great, great!

I was finishing dinner when he walked in the door. I walked over to him to give him his "welcome home" kiss and he moved his gym bag between us. He just looked at me and said,

"Let's go"

Wha....are you serious....and then this face appeared.

I have no idea why this stupid grin comes to my face when he becomes all HoHy. I can't help it. I hate it.  I feel completely inane. I feel like the puppy that has piddled all over the carpet and responds like it is a game when it is chastised.  I take this very seriously, but you couldn't tell it by looking at me. I can't wipe this look off my face, it is stuck there.

I met him in the bedroom after I finished cooking dinner.

"I am so angry with you. I have been thinking all day  "Forget the whole thing, I'm not going to do this any more". Who do you think you are?! Why do you think you can make assumptions of what I am going to do?"

"I am not assuming anything. It is based on the past."

"Forget the past! Why do you assume the past will be repeated?! Why do you believe you can predict what I will or will not do?!'

"History.."

"No! You do not have the RIGHT to make assumptions about what I will or will not do. You are not allowed to make assumptions based on what has happened in the past!"

Silence from me and thank god the stupid grin is gone.

"All day it has been running through my head "Forget the whole thing!" ooooor.......(makes a grand gesture throwing his arms wide) we go all the way. I get rid of my angry and irritation and we get all this out, taken care of and behind us."

I don't know what I am supposed to do or say.

"So....I choose the or. Get into position."

I am suddenly shy and don't know what to do. This is different....unexpected.

"Well?"

"Like always?"

"Yeess"

So I got into position and before he started he placed his hand on my lower back, leaned over and kissed me just below his hand.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

So I was "Take in Hand" for the very first time in this year we have been on this journey.

When he finished, he leaned over and kissed the same spot and told me he loved me again and then he held me.

"I am glad you choose the or."

"So am I"

As we pulled apart he began to softly lecture again.

"You are not allowed to make assumptions about ME or anything again. You are definitely not allowed to get upset from your assumptions."

"But it was based on histo.."

"Forget history! YOU are not allowed to make assumptions.  When we are here tomorrow..."

"What?! What do you mean?! Are we starting maintenance?"

"No, but I know there will be some reason we are back here tomorrow."

"NOW who is making assumptions?!"

He gets this stupid look on his face.

"I can make assumptions....... you can't. Don't compare yourself to me."

Ok, he didn't really wink, but you get the idea.

"Humh"

Oh where, oh where has my submission gone? Oh where, oh where could it be?

I miss that submisive feeling. I really do.

Next week our guest leaves and one of our chicks leaves for a visit with relatives through the summer. Last week I was thinking about what I wanted to do after they left, after every minute of my day wasn't tied to others needs.

• I want to get a mani/pedi.
• I want to remove the hair from my legs, not with my quick and dull razor blade, but with strips of cloth and hot wax.
• I want to get my hair cut.
• I want to wear pretty clothes.
• I want to put on make up.
• I want to present him with this finished women ever night when he walks in the door.

I want to feel and look pretty and frilly and feminine.

I want this for myself.

I want it for him also.

I didn't realize how much this had begun to be tied in to my submission until I had been away from it for so long. These were the first things that came to mind when I though of how I wanted to fill some of my soon to be had free time.

• My nails are chipped and several different lengths. (I hate that)
• I shaved my legs last week when I remembered that it needed to be done (like the length wasn't reminder enough) The blade was so dull, it felt like it just trimmed the hair. Sigh. I didn't have time to get out of the shower and search for a new blade.
• My hair hasn't been cut in five months and is becoming unruly.
• I haven't worn any makeup in three months. In fact there was an event I should have gone to last week and I choose not to go because it required a finished product. Makeup was too much of an effort.
• I have about 3 outfits that do not require ironing (I like cotton).  Guess what I have been wearing almost exclusively for three months now? Yes, I have been guilty of hanging them back up and rewearing them several time until they are ready to walk themselves to the laundry.
• I am back to wearing my grungy T- shirts to greet him at the door each night. He has been too tired to notice or at least too tired to comment.

I feel frumpy, lumby and yes I will say it......... ugly. Huh...I feel F-L-Uy....

The only, I guess you could say, submission exercises I am still practicing are greeting him at the door with a kiss each night and only wearing a top to bed.

I do not feel submissive at all. I feel tense, frustrated, agitated, bossy, snarky and well.....FLUy.....frumby, lumby and ugly.

When I realized the first things I wanted to do were all about grooming myself, it reminded me of how I felt when I made this a priority as part of my submission when we first started DD. I felt worth it, special. It wasn't about the attention from him that I recieved. It was about the attention I gave myself. I prioritized this time for myself to look and feel good and to basically love myself.

I miss that feeling.

I yearn for it.

I yearn for my submission. Huh, weird, who would have thought.

I think that in the future I am going to be a little more selfish with my time. As the cliche goes "Put on your air mask first before you help others with theirs". When everything gets crazy again, giving attention and showing love to myself will be my first priority.

It will be my mantra, "Love yourself first, don't be FLUy".

Two for One - Memes

For the man:

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen? At the moment James Mays Toy Stories. If he can find something that interests him and stop scanning, it is usually  War or History documentaries, Pawn Stars or American Pickers (history), Animal/Nature Documentaries or movies.

2. Your out to eat, what kind of dressing does he get on his salad? Vinaigrette 

3.The most striking thing about his physical appearance?  Black hair with swathes of grey framing his face, dark eyes, and a trim, fit, straight body.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink, what would he order? Protein, carb, veggies, and water with fresh squeezed lemon slices in it.

5. Where did he go to High School? The one in the town he grew up in.: )

6. What size shoe does he wear? US 9

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be? He is not a collector, but if he was, it would be watches. He would love an Philippe Patek watch.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich? Depends on his mood, mango/ habenaro burger, grilled tuna steak sandwich, beef shawarma or a rueben.

9. What would he eat every day if he could? He already does, fruits, nuts and yogurt. I guess the one thing he would love to eat everyday but it is not available is fish, only if it is directly off the fisherman's boat.

10. What is his favorite cereal? !!!!!GASP!!!!!! Pour that in the temple that is his body! Never! The closest thing to cereal he eats is steel cut oatmeal with cinnamon, blueberries and honey.

11. What would he never wear? Highheels? short shorts? a wife beater undershirt or any shirt with no sleeves?

12. What is his favorite sports team? I don't think he has one.

13. Who did he vote for? He won't tell me.

14. Who is his best friend? Me!

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do? Flinch and gasp when he is driving. He thinks I startle to easily. huh

16. What is his heritage? He insists that he is from the blue eyed, blonde haired Norwegians, please refer to question # 3.

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday, what would it be? Carrot Cake or Dense Dark Chocolate Mousse Cake.

18. Did he play sports in High School? Soccer

19. What could he spend hours doing? On the mountain skiing (especially in the early morning when no one else is there) or reading.

20. What is one unique talent he has? He can play at a child"s level without being condescending and then have a serious in depth discussion (about politics, the world, science, business) with them and really listen, encouraging them to express themselves and showing he values their opinions. They love talking to him.

Have you ever? (for me)

1.Shot a gun? Yes

2.Watched someone die? Yes, unfortunately

3.Served on a jury? No, but been called.

4.Flown on a plane? Yes, the worst was 36 hours, three connections. UGH!.

5.Swam in the ocean? Yes

6.Cried yourself to sleep? Yes

7.Been camping in a trailer/RV? No, amazingly! Both Grandparents and parents are RVers. I am the only sibling never to have slept in one.

8.Rode on an elephant? No, on the bucket list.

9.Rode on a camel? No, but I have been bitten by one.

10.Been lost? Yes, I had a great professor once who told me you never really visit a city until you get lost in it. Now I always try to get lost, with a map in my pocket. ; )

11.Eaten just cookies or cake for dinner? Yes. 

12.Been on TV? Yes.

13.Been on radio? Yes

14.Been in a car accident? Yes

15.Donated blood? Yes

16.Got a speeding ticket within the last 12 mos.? No 

17.Gotten a piercing (not ears)? No, but I have several piercings in my ears.

18.Gotten a tattoo? No, that would definitely get me spanked.

19.Flew in a hot air balloon? No, on bucket list.

20.Flew in a helicopter? No, also on bucket list.

21.Gone parasailing? No thank you!

22.Been on a jetski, snowmobile or dune buggy? Yes, snowmobile and dune buggy. Does an arcade jetski count?

P.S. I am having a major problem with my blog. It won't let me publish. I first tried to publish this on May 4. I tried everything put slam my laptop on the desk. If you are finally viewing it, I have no idea why. If you do know why, I would appreciate it if you could let me know what is going wrong. Thanks!

Please feel free to leave a message, be kind.

It's all his fault!

Mother Moon has been visiting me lately and she came with a can of gasoline and a box of matches. Her visit coincided with DD falling to the wayside. So.....I am really surprised the house is still standing. As it is, it is only Rooster and I who have been badly singed. Everyone one else in the house was far enough away when the matches were lit to make it to cover.

Trying to be brief:

1. I didn't work out one morning because I didn't sleep well the night before and he didn't follow thru with any consequences, even though we had just discussed a few nights before that unless I was projectile vomiting or running a raging fever, "not feeling well" was not a good enough reason. grrrrrr! 

2. I was supposed to be keeping a food journal. I did, until I forgot to charge my ipad and then I just kept forgetting to write it all down. HEEEEE was supposed to ask for it every weekend to review it and never did, for three weeks. grrrrrrrrrr!

3. He asked me a couple of months ago what were some of the things he did that sabotaged my efforts to lose weight. This actually was a hugh step for him. Before he has refused to believe that anything he has said or done could impact me in a negative way because all he has ever tried to do was help. 

    I am an emotional eater. If I am feeling overwhelmed or hurt, I will go for something that I love and savor it as I am eating it. For those few moments the world is a beautiful place and I am totally focused on absorbing that brief beautiful experience. If Rooster catches me in the act, he gets upset and begins lecturing me, spewing negative feelings all over my experience. Whatever I am eating will turn to dust in my mouth. Not only is the experience lost, the feelings I had before, become magnified by a billion. I am then desperate to find something else (to eat) to sooth those hurt raw feelings. I asked him not to say anything in the moment when he sees me eating something he doesn't like. Let me finish the experience and he can address it later, in whatever way he wants. He understood and agreed to this.

   Last weekend we were about to head out somewhere and I was getting hungry, I rejected several other quick options for a snack and finally just grabbed a 1 ounce bag of Cheetos. He came in to the kitchen and saw me finishing it. The look on his face..........you would have thought he just caught me in a compromising position with another man. He started and stopped to give me a lecture a few times and then finally settled on the cold shoulder. He did exactly what he said he wouldn't do. Fortunately, this wasn't emotional eating just a bad choice, so there wasn't a major emotional impact from his response. But still, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

4. One of my little blue chicks has decided that school bores him and he would rather use his time more efficiently to sleep. His grades were my first indication that he had come to this decision. I am now sitting with my teenager everyday after school to make sure he is finishing all of his homework and studying for all of his tests, something I haven't done since he was 5. I discussed how I wanted to deal with this with Rooster and he agreed. Then IN FRONT OF SAID CHICK he quietly (he thought he was not observed) sided with the boy on an issue. I am thinking to revisit the idea of the Spencer Method and whoooo said we couldn't use certain elements of DD with our children? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

5.

The last incident, was the last straw for me. We are getting ready for the summer. Some members of the house are going to do some traveling and they need some things. We went through their things and made a shopping list. Rooster wanted to give them some cash and send them on their way with the list to do their own shopping. I immediately said no. (I know.....will I ever learn?) I knew that they would not stick to the list, they would shop til they dropped and then came back for more money to finish their lists. Rooster didn't argue, he just stepped back away from the issue. So I took them shopping. Even with me with them they wouldn't stick to the list. I was firm and sometimes blunt and my patience was stretched to the limit. I was complaining to Rooster about the experience later and his response was "I told you. I should have just given them the money and let them figure it out. Next time I say something will you just stop and listen to me please?! You do this every time."

Guilt...........guilt ........guilt............guilt.........I can't do anything right....... I couldn't even get through this shopping trip (we didn't finish the list).......... I should have listened to him........I wish he would just spank me instead of the lecture...........didn't we agree to that.........I am such a.......

WAIT

JUST 

A 

DAWG

GONE

MINUTE!!!!!

THIS IS HIS FAULT!!!!

IT'S ALLLLLL HIS FAULT!!!

He is supposed to be the Leader of this family. We discussed the fact that he would listen to me, to my opinions, but all final decisions were his to make. If he had vetoed me and given them the money as he wanted, yes they would have done exactly as I predicted, but he would have then made them return everything not on the list and then shop for only what was needed. I wouldn't have been stressed, I would not have stressed him and they would have learned a lesson.


GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

All of these things happened in a three day period. During this time Mother Moon was playing pyrotechnics with her can of gas and matches. I was so angry I didn't know what or really who was making me so angry. Everyone scattered in the house. Her visits haven't been this bad in a good long while. There was much tiptoeing and whispering a good safe distance away from me. I knew there were some very serious issues to deal with but it took a couple of days for the smoke to clear from the fires before I could really understand what were just irritants and what were really the issues.  By the time I figured it out, none of it could be discussed with Rooster, because he was playing least in sight.


Soooooooo 


I e-mailed him.


I warned him the e-mail was coming.


He jokingly (not so jokingly) asked me to go easy on him.


I tried.


I reread the e-mail several times. 

I tried to make sure there was no disrespectful language in it.

I tried to make sure the tone was informative and not harsh or accusatory.

No, it didn't resemble this post.



Apparently I succeeded.

He read it.


He readily accepted his responsibility with what happened and apologized.

He knew as they were coming out of his mouth those words (above in red) were going to come back to bite him. He remembered as he said them what we had agreed to do in this DD thing.

Unfortunately, the needs of WE have taken a back seat again to the needs of everyone else in our family. We discussed this last night.  We have almost four months this summer with no responsibilities to anyone. The plan is to focus on us in every possible way, so when others require our attention again, their needs will become an extension of our lives instead of taking it over as it now always seems to do.

sigh


That's the plan anyway.

Feel free to leave a message, be kind.