I rescinded my permission! Part 1

This event took place two weeks ago and I wrote this post more than a week ago. I shared it with my husband a few days after I wrote it. 

Everyone is always talking about "The Gift of Submission". The Head of House is being gifted with their wife's submission. Submission to their leadership, their rules, their decisions and their consequences. Do you understand what is probably the most important thing wives submit to their husbands? We gift you with our vulnerability. We are trying to open ourselves to you. We are making our hearts and souls vulnerable to you.

 We are trying to change the way we behave, speak, respond and act to and with you. You have to understand that. You must also change the way you behave, speak, respond and act to and with us. If you don't recognize the incredible gift of our vulnerability we are giving you and you do not treat it with the utmost respect and gentleness, you may inflict incredible harm and pain. You cannot continue to respond during discussions, arguments or fights the way you have responded before. As a friend in blogland put it, we are trying to change, we are making ourselves open and vulnerable to you....you have to "Fight Fair". You have to understand there is a big difference in the women you are dealing with now.

Yes, unfortunately I am coming from a place of pain with this. I have been hurt. You have all read about my ongoing soap opera, if you haven't just read the past several posts.

He couldn't find a flight earlier then 10 days without paying an arm and a leg and his father is doing much better. So in eight days he will go. I didn't want to live in a state of suspension, so I asked him about Dd.

All of his lines are in red, mine are in blue:

"Do you think we are going to be able to do this thing?"

Bam! out of nowhere he snaps at me.

"Are you continuing a conversation you had in your head again? What are you talking about now?!"

"No.......(completely stunned)  I'm talking about this thing we are doing. You know..."

"How am I supposed to know that?! You always blah, blah, blah......."

I completely withdrew. I didn't say another word. He finished his few short sentences. We went about finishing our errands.

Later in the afternoon, he apologized for snapping at me. I thanked him and waited.....and waited.....and it didn't happen. He apologized but made no restitution. What did I expect him to do to make it up to me? I expected him to answer my original question. I wasn't about to ask the question again. When he snapped at me before, it was a deflecting tactic. He didn't want to talk about it, so he turned the conversation against me. No, I wasn't about to ask him again. The day went on and I continued to distance myself.

That night in bed he rolled on top of me and asked what was wrong.

"This afternoon..."

"I already apologized to you for that.'

"Yes you did, thank you for that, put you didn't answer my original question."

"What? Do you expect me to be able to slap you from there?" He rolled his eyes, rolled off me and gave me his back.

Who said anything about "slap"?! You don't need your hand to slap me, you just did a fine job of it with your voice and choice of words. I was stunned. I was hurt. I couldn't sleep.

Into the long hours of the night I thought a lot about what we have been going through lately, about what was said earlier in the day and I came to a decision. I don't want to do this anymore. I keep opening myself to him, giving of myself, trying to be understanding of him and he is turning it on me. I know he is under a lot of stress. I know it. I have been living it with him. But he turned something that  was a simple conversation into something it never should have been. In the past I would have gone nose to nose with him. It would have been argued out and eventually resolved. In a submissive state, something I have been practicing for seven and a half months now, I was vulnerable, exposed. The way he reacted hurt me more than I would ever have allowed before. It didn't need to go that way. It was a simple question, needing a simple answer. This is the way the original conversation should have gone.

"Do you think we are going to be able to do this thing?"

"Yes, but I don't know how we are going to do it long distance."

OR

"No, I'm tired and I think we should stop for now and see what we can do when I come back."

I wasn't trying to pressure him or force him to do what I wanted. I just wanted his honest opinion, his direction on what he thought we should do. Either option would have been fine with me. I just didn't want to live in a constant state of suspension. Are we doing this or not?

I didn't get a lot of sleep.

The next morning he asked why I looked so tired. I told him I couldn't sleep.

"Why? Because of what happened yesterday? Let's just get this all out now."

Unfortunately, we couldn't because suddenly we had kids in the kitchen with us. We had to go visit my sick relative an hour and a half away. In the car on the way, without kids, we started talking. I honestly don't remember how this conversation started just how it ended.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"Would you stop! Do you know how much pressure you put on me when you say that?!"

"This isn't about you! This isn't about putting pressure on you! This is about ME! I don't want to do this anymore because it HURTS too much!"

That was the end of the conversation. Not another word was said as we drove for a little over an hour to visit my sick relative. We visited my relatives for about 2 and a half hours, then spent another hour and a half driving home in silence. Except for the most mundane, trivial topics nothing has been discussed between us since Sunday.

I am so deeply hurt. The pain is more than I have ever endured. I thought stopping this would stop the hurt, but it has become such a deep pain. It is worse at night when I have nothing to distract me. The house is silent in sleep and all I can do is feel the pain.

I don't trust him with my submissive self anymore. I don't trust him not to turn on me again and hurt me.

So what am I supposed to do?


Please remember this happened two weeks ago, much has happened since then. Unfortunately, you will have to wait a few days to find out because I haven't written Part 2 yet.  : )









As always feel free to leave a comment, be kind.