Why won't men read the instruction manuals?
You purchase that toy or piece of furniture that needs to be snapped together.
Only it doesn't easily snap together.
He lays everything out on the floor trying to figure it out.
You go for the manual and start reading.
He starts to try to piece it together like he is doing a jigsaw puzzle.
You are still going through the pieces to make sure everything is there.
Then you hear, "This doesn't make sense."
You lift your head from the last pages of the manual that you have been diligently reading from front to back, only to see him doing step 3 of the project 1st.
"The manual says to put the base and the supports together first."
He doesn't even hear you and repeats, "This doesn't make sense"
This goes on and on, back and forth.
If you try to start putting it together the way the manual reads you are told, " I've got this!"
You have a choice, get him to understand in anyway you can that he is about to ruin the piece.....or walk away and hope that he figures it out.
And hope there is no damage done that is irreparable.
Why won't men just read the manual?!
I told him a few days after the last spanking that he could go a little harder and that he needed to stop somewhere between 20-30 to massage if he was going to keep going. I have given him several links to sites that I thought would be helpful to him. I have sent him snippets of others posts I thought would be helpful.
Yesterday was not a good day. He said we would deal with it on the weekend. He changed his mind after he saw I couldn't settle. I was thankful.
Unfortunately, I find myself not able to give way to what is happening. I am observing everything he is doing, to make sure he doesn't inadvertently hurt me. This time it was 50, but the last 10 I was completely focused on restraining myself from screeching like a banshee, "You have to stop, you have to stop, you need to massage!!!!"
I was afraid.
Yes, I will eventually discuss it with him.
I am walking around with my jaw clenched most of the time. Trying to share with him how it needs to be done without the appearance of ordering him around. I have come to the conclusion it is too early for me to be submissive. I need to take control to teach.......show......instruct him how to do this.
WHY WON'T HE READ THE *#$%^&* MANUAL?
Feel free to comment, be kind.
Patience, grasshopper. They don't read maps or instruction manuals. You know what I did/do sometimes?
ReplyDeleteI would find a story about someone experience that was very close to my situation.
In your case, it might be about a spanker who doesn't warm up or massage his wife throughout, then I would say, "Ian, listen to this poor lady's story..."
I would read it to him aloud, usually and then say, "that must be uncomfortable, because we girls really need our men to give us warm ups and cool downs and lots of massages in between - so glad you take good care of me, Honey,"
And I would leave him to contemplate that information. Usually, although not always, he would revise his modus operandi.
Just one of my not so subtle ways of reaching my hubby, don't think too bad of me.
I don't think to badly of you because that is what I do. Except with less subtlety.
DeleteThe problem is no one writes about the massage. Twice have I heard someone write about the warm up. I have never heard of a cool down. Thats not even on Clint's blog. What is it and why would it be necessary?
Everyone is obsessed with implements. First he started with this, then he used that, then he changed to the wicked one........
The only place that talks about a warm up and massage in detail are Clint's blog and I have already sent that to him. And it is in our own personal manual that I created with labeled dividers and everything! I hope that made you laugh, it's true, but you can still laugh.
One of our old habits of dealing with things is for him to agree to things and never really move on them until I am forced to pitch a raging fit. It's like he understands I want something but doesn't register how important it is until that happens. If I can't figure out a way for him to hear me and soon, I am afraid I will be pushed over that edge.
Until then I will just keep exercising my jaw to keep it from clenching. I will try not to do it with chocolate.
it mad ME laugh, anyway.
ReplyDeletei lie in bed and tell him what i really liked, and then i make like a little girl and say "may i say something?" but then BIKSS is very good with taking instruction.. ahem... and every time i say i feel like i'm asking too much or being too demanding or telling him what to do, he says he expects me to tell him what my desires are or else he can't be the Dom i need him to be cos he can't read my mind. ANd that's the one thing he doesn't want to be expected to do.
so we're all good. but yeah, i feel you. they NEVER Read the manual.
That is one of my problems. I don't do the circling around to get to my point well. I come straight to the point (or what I think is my point) and can be brutal without meaning it quite that way. I have learned to hold back and wait, to see if any other truths may float up to the surface that I am not seeing and to soften any edges to my approach. In the mean time, I simmer. However, blogging has helped a lot. Now I can get the angst out (sorry for that everyone) and take in everyones comments with a clearer mind and decide on my plan of action.
DeleteThanks for your help : D
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteOh Blue Bird, we are soul sisters today, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. I feel like I'm going to develop lock jaw. I know, we are supposed to talk, but how to you talk and not push? I so understand the not giving away to what is happening. That what you want is within reach. You can see it on the horizon, and then like an oasis it is gone. The feelings that are left are confusing at best.
ReplyDeleteObviously you are still several steps ahead of us, but I feel your frustration, I really do. We are at the LITERALLY following the manual stage over here. It feels so detatched. I know, these things take time, but they also take their toll on the ones waiting.
I suppose I will be writing another letter tonight. It takes so long to figure out what we, or at least I am feeling that I can't mention it right away. And there is no distractions in a letter. Who knows maybe that with printed blogs you see will help?
Thanks for the insight
I wish we were literally following the manual. Right now it feels like I am teaching him the manual one letter at a time. Grrrrr!
DeleteYeah...it takes awhile to figure out what you are feeling. I will be writing a letter or an e-mail also, I have written many e-mails. It is true, there are no distractions that way and it gives him time to process it without me in front of him waiting for a response.
Yes, blogging about it and reading everyones thoughts helps.
Do you feel like you need a massage or break or whatever because you feel like it would really help YOU or because you read somewhere that it was a necessary step so you've set up that expectation in your head and just can't shake it? Hope I am not offending with these questions...just trying to get the full picture. My husband is also not one for manuals, or directions...or reading any sort of "how to" info. when it comes to ttwd/Dd stuff. And, for the record, he's not much one for warm ups either...and usually the only time I get any rubbing is when he is feeling playful;) definitely not during a correction! That's just the way he does things. At some point I think you just need to figure out what things are hard limits or absolute musts for you for this to work in your relationship and then leave the rest of it, literally, in his hands.
ReplyDeleteI want to follow a basic procedure until we figure out what works best for us. This is more to protect him. If he had bruised me, it would have freaked him out and we would be back to square one. I was afraid he was bruising me, fortunately not a one.
DeleteBut you are right. I need to loosen up and allow it to happen naturally.
You weren't offending me. Your questions helped me to back things down and realize what was really bothering me.
Thanks
Why won't men read the instruction manuals? Hmmm - it's genetic? Sorry BB - couldn't resist - first thing that popped into my head when I read the title of your post.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though - to put it in cooking terms - I would say that you follow a recipe step by step and measure carefully whereas he is more of a "throw it in the pot, tasting as we go, and see what comes out" type of cook. You need to know exactly step by step how things are going to proceed and he works through issues as he goes full steam ahead. I apologize if I sound like a broken record, but you really need to find a way to sit down calmly and respectfully discuss what is working and what is not. Remember, this is how it needs to work between the two of you - based on both your needs - within your relationship - not how it works in any other relationship.
Blessings,
Cat
A broken record, Cat? If I put all the comments you have left for me about communication I don't think it would be like a broken record. More like an album, "Cat's Greatest Hits, Songs of Scolding". : D
DeleteSeriously though, reading everyones comments helped me break it down. I am more frustrated by the fact that I don't feel that I am being heard. I told him about the massage and he didn't do it. That was really for him, so he wouldn't bruise me and freak out. No bruises. Tough head, tough butt. But I also told him how important it was for me for him to lecture. When I reminded him to lecture before the event he said, "Why do I need to lecture you? You know what you did wrong."
When I don't want a lecture he won't stop. Now when I ask him to do it he refuses. Emotionally, I need that before a discipline, I told him that. Now I will e-mail it to him. He seems to absorb it better that way. We'll see.
Thanks Cat!
There are some wise comments here. I just want to throw one more little suggestion in. If you are afraid that he will go further than you will be able to take, then all you have to do is come up with a safe word. It should not be a word to use lightly. It is a word to use when you seriously think he should stop. This is so he feels safe to know he's not going over the top, and you to feel safe that if he starts to, then it can be stopped with one word. My husband was the opposite, in that he was afraid he would hurt me too much. Now that he knows I will use the safe word, he will give me what I need without anxiety. I have not used the word once. I have recieved punishment spankings that hurt, and that I have said things other than the safe word. Knowing that I can take what I am getting and what I have actually asked for, which is discipline, has kept the word from being used. My husband was concerned that one of us would forget a word. To avoid that, I suggested "UNCLE", because as we grew up, that was the usual "I give up" word in our generation. Good luck, and God Bless You Both, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the suggestion Belle L.
DeleteIt's not so much that I was afraid I couldn't take it. I actually wish it had gone on a little more. But I was afraid if he didn't stop and do the massage, which I have heard is so important to reduce bruising, that I would indeed bruise and he would freak. That would set us back to the beginning, where I did not want to go.
A safe word may alleviate his worry though. I have heard of safe words, but for some reason never thought of it for him as a tool.
Mine doesn't read instructions either and doesn't want any tips about proven techniques. He doesn't see a need for the warm ups I mentioned a few times (but then tried that a little bit on the next attempt after I had some bruising). Looking at links to blog posts or reading printouts are also not going to happen. What has worked is Lillian's technique of reading selected posts out loud. To get us started I would read excerpts to my guy, often Ian's comments about the natural order of things, etc. We're not following a straight, well thought out approach, but instead experimenting as we circle around this thing. No rules, just establishing roles. It's not how I would do it and it's hard to let go. I'm glad sending an email seems to help your guy absorb the information, I may have to try that.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
B.
He doesn't like to go in depth in a conversation about things he hasn't been able to roll around in his mind. It drives him crazy when I bring up some new concept and then sit staring at him waiting for his opinion. : )
DeleteSending him an e-mail with whole or snippets of posts, followed by my thoughts has been very helpful. He reads it when he has the chance and lets me know he has read it. However, I can't try and discuss it until he starts the discussion. Him telling me he read it, isn't an opening for discussion apparently. LOL! That drives me crazy but at least he is getting the info I need him to.
I'm too late and I read a few of the comments so not much to add. You won't like this but my husband doesn't do warm ups or mid spanking rubbing or cool downs. None of them, and not because I haven't asked! Now, if he was started to bruise or something like that, I think he'd think about doing something differently.
ReplyDeleteHe took his time and found his own way and I don't think he'll ever change unless there's a very good reason.
If you can, be patient. He'll figure it out.
Your not to late and thanks for the info. It seems that contrary to what the to do blogs write most HoH's do their own thing. Since my concern was really about his reaction if he bruised me, I think I will talk to him about setting up a safe word for his benefit really and let him process his own feelings. My instinct is to protect and sometimes you just have to let them experience it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure it's just men. I don't read instructions either, or at least not until I have gotten so frustrated I am ready to throw things away. The directions don't make sense to me. Maybe that is true for others, too?
ReplyDeleteMaybe so,... I always have. I remember my mother asking me to read and explain the instruction manual to her for our new microwave.
ReplyDeleteCommunication with my man is very difficult too. It's like, if I tell him blah blah blah turns me off, he'll feel criticized, if I tell him blah blah blah turns me on, I'll be giving him instructions. Neither one pleases him. So . . . I never get to be turned on.
ReplyDelete