I am angry.
He doesn't really understand the DD dynamic and he is doing nothing to try and educated himself.
This weekend we were out together and I tried several times to talk about it. I wanted to talk about changing the way we approach a rule and the consequences around this rule. Everytime I started to discuss DD, before I could get to the point, he deflected or changed the subject. Last week we added my diet to the list of active rules, basically my meal schedule. I sometimes skip lunch. He decided that I had to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and a small healthy snack 2 hours after each meal.
I missed a snack on thursday and on friday I barely managed to get lunch, forget snacks. Friday, when I confessed, he said "I don't really care right now", granted he was sick. I expected him to bring it up the next day........nothing. Finally in the evening when we were getting ready for bed, I got straight to the point.
I wanted to create a food journal. I would keep track of all my meals and snacks and on friday evening he could address any issues that occurred over the week. I thought this would reduce the stress of dealing with every small meal detail during a busy work week.
He approached it like it was a science experiment.
"You can chart your meals for the week and the first week we will use as a baseline. Then we can make adjustments for the following week and see how that goes".
Huh?
"So if my choices aren't great and I miss a meal or snack are you going to spank?"
"No. I am only going to spank you if you slide."
He means that after weeks of analyzing the data, we will set a firm plan. If I miss occasionally, he will do nothing about it but encourage me to focus (if he remembers). Only if the plan starts to fall apart will he spank me.
He thinks that he only needs to do this when he believes it is necessary to keep me on track. The problem is I have been so off track for so long I need to be spanked to get me close to the track. I became so angry, I was incoherent. I could only form a few words ......I was afraid I would start screaming.
In the end, he was angry because of my reaction and told me if that was what I wanted he would spank me if anything was off with the journal and then he went to sleep.
I felt the heat from my anger was peeling my skin off. He says he understands the theory of DD and he wants to do it with me, but he has never read anything accept what I have put in front of him. I have had to spoon feed him the infomation. I and our marriage seem not to be a propriety.
This man spends all of his free time researching something. He reads newspapers online from all over the world to keep up with world events. He researches fitness routines and exercises to make sure he gets the most with the least time spent in his workouts. He spent years researching before he decided on which flat screen TV to purchase.
Yah, I am prioritized under a flat screen TV.
The next morning I wouldn't look at him. He cornered me and asked what was wrong.....
"I thought we settled this last night. I said I would spank you if you fell off track on friday."
"You don't understand the way this dynamic is supposed to work and you are making no effort to educate yourself. Except for the e-mails I have sent you, you have done no reading on this."
The kids came in for breakfast. I knew he got my point, but he has yet to ask me for any webs sites.
I am still angry.
Oct. 2
I am calm and submissive again......
I hope : )
Thanks!
Oct. 2
I am calm and submissive again......
I hope : )
Thanks!
Please feel free to leave a comment, especially if it is constructive.
Ah, Blue Bird, I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now! I understand how frustrated you must be feeling. The boys just rarely read up on this DD thing like we do. I've read it time and time again. Lil Misses had a post not long ago saying basically the exact same thing. I too, did all the reading up on the subject and shared what I learned with Blue. It just takes a lot of time and patience. Lots and lots of it! You two have been doing just fine. Don't be in any hurry. Just him agreeing to DD is the biggest step of it. The rest will follow. Like it or not, your husband will do this in his own way. With his own time table. I know it's hard, but just try to be patient. If you push too hard, you may end up just driving him away from the whole idea. A good workout works wonders getting out agressions. Especially something like TaeBo (my personal favorite, lol)! I'll be thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteThanks Cowgirl,
ReplyDeleteWe have been talking about this for 5 months now, practicing for 1. I have been trying to be submissive for all of those 5 months.It is hard to be submissive when you feel that if you don't push the subject it will get swallowed up by time. Emotionally, I feel like I have been crawling to him on my hands and knees begging. I am trying to be patient. He keeps saying, "Give me time." How much time? Another five months?
I know it is all on their time table. I know this is the way it seems to go with most people. Unfortunately, in my real world I feel very much alone.
Thanks for responding Cowgirl
Hi Sweetie :)
ReplyDeleteIn my personal experience coming to dd, this phase you describe was one of the most painful. By the time I reached out for help, I was a crazy person. Not saying you are, sweetie, I am just relating my experience.
There is a place in me, and maybe you as well, where I equated Ian's unwillingness as a measure of his commitment and love for me. I know now, that he was just unsure what I needed and why. The why was so very important to him.
He has also confessed to not believing me, that I was serious about wanting change.
I know what you are saying, and the pace was very upsetting to me, because as a woman I was sure what our marriage needed and how to get there.
I agree with CG above, the guys just don't seem to come to it at the same pace we girls do. I have heard it referred to a PhD in dd, because we learn everything we can about it. Ian, at least, viewed the lifestyle with a great deal of scepticism.
Ian has spoken to me about the difficulties he faced in the early steps of dd. The fact that everything around him tells him that this is wrong, is a big obstacle to overcome. Chances are your hubby, aside from you, has never spanked anyone, and striking someone as punishment could be hard. I know I could not do it.
Ian also talked about the fear men have. That if they do it, and they hurt their wife, what will happen then? Is it going to jeopardize their marriage. I know it sounds annoying, but when I was pressuring Ian to get with the program, he found it to be a dominant and controlling behaviour. I am not saying your hubby does, but the pressure does not always being a positive result.
I understand how alone you feel, Blue Bird and I wish I could offer some words of comfort. As CG says they all have their own timetable. Maybe he is processing his feelings, and yes, his fears and he will act when he is ready.
Try and invoke your submissive side, and without bringing it up, see if he will approach the subject on his own. He has set a rule and a consequence. Prodding him hasn't helped, what if you waited to see how things flesh out over the weekend. Just promise yourself that you won't say something about your rule until he does. Stay strong.
And, Sweetheart, that is what us girls on the blogs are for, reach out when you need to - there is a loving community of women and men who will listen and comment.
Good luck, and I will be thinking of you. And yeah, the exercise is a good idea.
big big hugs
Thanks Lillie,
DeleteYour comment about his "unwillingness as a measure of his commitment and love for me", it let me breathe for a moment. I don't doubt my husbands love for me and his commitment to our marriage, but I do sometimes question how deep his commitment is to ME. If that makes sense.
I know everything you say is true. My problem is I feel like I am on a deadline. I am hoping to get some real practice with this lifestyle down before certain events take over my life again. I am having a hard time letting go of trying to plan and prepare for every eventuality. Submission. I need to submit to the fact that I have no control over events and people around me. It is one of the hardest acts of submission for me.
I am not going to ask him about the rules again. I will leave him to start the conversation.
Thanks again and big hugs back at you.
I wish I could offer you some helpful advice.
ReplyDeleteAs a HoH there are a few things I have noticed here.
1. I think he's a little uncomfortabe, you're asking him to do somthing that is probably against everything he's ever been taught, he's not going to be able to get into the swing of things overnight, it's going to take some time, encouragement, and even positive re-enforcement for him to grow into his new relationship role.
2. Show him, make him understand that this is important to you and that this isn't somthing that can be a one time thing, show him that it's a new way of thinking and a lifestyle change that will be a vital part of your relationship for a lifetime.
I hope I did not offend, I just wanted to share a male's point of view. I hope it helped a little, and please feel free to contact me anytime you like!
Thanks Ward,
DeleteYou did not offend at all. The open, helpful and non-judgemental nature of this community is what gave me the courage to actually start this blog.
1. He is uncomfortable. I know that, but as time passes you forget. I think that is why he started the one spanking with the idea of it being maintenance. I think the idea of touching me as punishment, while he is possibly angry, makes him feel sick. It is just a bizarre situation, me being submissive and yet telling him how to do this thing and he the HoH following my lead. As they say, I feel like I am topping from the bottom : ), and thats not how I want this to go.
2. I think this is my problem. He knows this is important to me and that I want this as our way of life. He does too. But how do I show him this new way of thinking and new lifestyle when I am not now, nor will I ever be an HoH. I know how this has impacted me on every level. I don't really understand how this impacts the man. What mental and emotional changes they go through. So it is hard for me to express what the changes will be for him, when I really don't know.
Thanks for your help!
My Daddy gives some very sage advice, BlueBird. I might also point you to a new HoH written blog, he has a post that addresses just that - the things he had to overcome before he felt comfortable spanking his wife. You can find it here: http://improvedchauvinist.blogspot.com/2012/09/why-wont-you-just-behave.html.
ReplyDeleteHope those give you some good ideas. (((hugs)))
Thanks June,
DeleteI will definitely visit that blog. I must complete my research for my PhD. : )
Yes, He does have good advice. I have visited your blog many times.
Someday soon I will carve out the time to add more blogs to my reading list, your blog is one I would like to follow.
Thanks again!
When we first started out, I got frustrated at Steve because it didn't seem like he was as interested in researching DD as I was. I tried to help by sending him links, but he wouldn't always read them.
ReplyDeleteIt took a while for me to realize that even though he wasn't researching, he was thinking about it. He'd think for a while and then we'd sit down to talk. As a result, we've ended up building a relationship that works for us, rather than getting caught up in doing things the same way as another DD couple.
I also did the same. I sent him e-mails and he read them all, until the day he asked me to stop sending them because he was to busy at work. He doesn't want to read them infront of me, because he is afraid I will want to discuss it. : D, I would.
DeleteMy problem is I have a deadline in my head that I need to let go, and he never initiates the conversations. Except for two conversations that I began he always changes the conversation 5 -10 minutes after it has begun.
Submission, submission, submission! I need to find a way to just let things go.
Thanks Dana
I'm not sure what else to add Blue Bird. Everyone else has already made the important points. I know that even now my husband is hyper sensitive to actually "hurting" me in any sort of way. It was as he found the benefits of Dd to our marriage and even to him that he took it on in a different way. For us, Dd was secondary to him taking up the mantle of leadership in our home. Once he did that, it was actually a very natural step forward. Not sure what that would mean for you but is are there small ways that you could encourage his leadership and perhaps put the physical part in the background for a bit till he's feeling more comfortable.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true, they don't research this kind of thing like we do. It's just not their way. They are much more matter of fact. They ponder and ruminate and then all of a sudden make a decision and it is done.
I know this is hard. Keep writing and telling us about it. Hopefully that alone will help a bit.
That is what is blowing my mind really. He has always had dominating, dictatorial tendencies. Now suddenly, when I have given him permission to explore that aspect of his personality, it seems as if he has become submissive. I know it is because he is unsure of exactly what is going on so he is treading very carefully. Unfortunately, this side of his personality will occasionally bring out the dominance in mine.
DeleteI am frustrated because I don't know how to kick the scale the other way. I think I need to stop trying to control it.
Thanks Susie
Good luck with it. 1 month isn't all that long.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Time is relative isn't it? I have been submissive for 5 months (or at least trying) He has been seemingly positive about accepting this life style all of that time. What is the average time it takes for the man to be introduced to the idea to fully practicing it?
DeleteI would imagine it really depends on the man.
DeleteYes, but because this lifestyle is so hidden there are no statistics out there to gage by.
DeleteKeep writing, Blue Bird. It can certainly help to make sense of what is bothering us when we put the frustration and disappointment into words. And we can learn so much from the wisdom of those who have walked this path before us - thanks to comments :) Sometimes writing our experiences and thoughts even soothes a little. Thanks for sharing your journey with us - I learn a little more every day as I read what others are experiencing. You know, learning to submit is tough for a wife (as you know). Sometimes I think its even harder for the husbands to learn to lead with authority. Many have grown up educated by a society that tells them how wrong it is to exercise authority over women, and that its criminal to do something as barbaric as striking your wife. There's a lot of relearning that husbands have to go through as they struggle to take ownership of their role as leader in the home. That relearning happens deep inside a man, where the wife can't always see the progress. The waiting is difficult, but its worth it: a man who confidently leads his home when he understands and owns his role is a powerful leader.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments OFM. There is a lot of wisdom. Hopefully I will be able to keep the advise from everyone running through my head and Contrary Carrie's voice out and be able to accept and submit to whatever time my husband needs to accept his role.
Delete