Am I over thinking this? Maybe, I have often been accused of doing that. I bet you can guess who the accuser was. Right now I feel the need to examine everything closely. Partly because I have misinterpreted so many things in the past and I don't want to do that again and also because I have been going through the motions and not genuinely interacting for years. That is in that other post I keep talking about and plan to write next week.
So.....the night after the first punishment, Time Out in the living room, as we were lying in bed he suddenly rolled towards me and asked
So, was everything good today? Did last night help?
Which part? The time out in the living room.... or what happened later?
:) Both
Yes
You didn't have any bad feelings today to get you down?
Amazingly, no
Good....because I have been doing some research
WHAT? Did he find the LDD website, is he reading Clint's posts...is he reading Mick's posts?
I have been researching which is the best whip and chains to buy on the market.
Ha, I do NOT consent to that. If you look through the book there is a list of implements I have agreed to
No, no.... you have completely submitted to my will. I have total control over you now.
Well, you can try.
He curled up against me with his face pressed to my side and his arm curled around me at my hip. My mind started thrumbing.
Thhhrrruummbb! Thhhrrruummbb! Thhhrrruummbb!
Thhhrrruummbb! Thhhrrruummbb! Thhhrrruummbb!
It got louder and louder
THHHRRRUUMMBB! THHHRRRUUMMBB! THHHRRRUUMMBB!
THHHRRRUUMMBB! THHHRRRUUMMBB! THHHRRRUUMMBB!
That's it! I have to know...
So...Uhm...How did it make you feel? You know.....giving punishment?
Go to sleep Blue Bird.
Huff!
He always does that. Digs for answers and gives nothing up himself, it is beyond frustrating. I knew I wasn't going to get an answer so let it go.
The next time I was punished for "Skipping through the daisies", "visiting La La Land"(another name I have for day dreaming) when I was supposed to be exercising. I had to write lines. It took 30 minutes, the time it would have taken to redo the workout tape, but I didn't think of that at the time.
That evening he did it again. He asked me..
So, this time you didn't have any really bad feelinsg for not working out? and the punshment cleared everything?
No, it wasn't like last time. I didn't tear myself down like before. I just felt stupid. You were right, it is easier to get it out of the way in the morning.
Smirk from him
Good
So...how did you feel doing it, the punishment, this time?
Mmmm....you smell good.
How did you feel?
Haaaay...your not wearing your pajama bottoms...
Stop.... how did you feel? Tell me.
Why is it so important?
Because I want to know. A perfectly good reason.
I have something else on my mind at the moment. I can't concentrate on anything else.
Stop.....stop .......that's not fair......
and so he got around me again. Never answered the question. This time however it really bothered me, it hurt me.
The next day I thought about all of the times he ignored me over the years. He ignored me to try and control me, to manipulate me to get what he wanted, to teach me a lesson, as a form of punishment and because he was so angry with me he was afraid of what he would do if he looked at me.
I hate it when he does this. It really has affected me over the years. I decided I was going to talk to him about it later on that night.
That night he called to tell me he was on his way to the gym from work. We had a back and forth exchange and he suddenly said...
Are you alright?
Yah, I'm ok. Why?
It sounds like something is bothering you?
Yah. We can talk about it later when you are home.
No, what is it? The kids?
No
Ah... so it is me?
We can talk later
No tell me now........amazing isn't it. He answers when, what and where he wants to, but demands I tell him everything now...while he is on the freeway driving towards home!
Fine. Whenever I ask you how all of this is going for you, you ignore me. You never answer. I can't stand it.
I don't answer because I know it won't be enough for you. You will start demanding details and I am not ready to go into details about it.
No, I wouldn't. If you said "all is good, but I don't want to go into right now" I would accept that and leave you alone.
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
Alright Blue Bird, next time I will answer that way and when it's not enough for you and you start digging, I will remind you of this conversation.
Fine, do that. Huff. You don't understand how it feels when you ignore me. I feel unimportant.
Ok .......I will try to remember not to do it anymore.
We ended the call. All the time I was waiting for him to finish and come home from the gym it was rumbling around in my mind. It kept getting louder and louder....
This is a deal breaker for me. I cannot live with someone how ignores me any more. If he does it again I will ask him to leave. I am not going into old age with someone who ignores me like that. We have a new system.....We have different tools now...............................................................That's right, we have different tools now.
I realized I was letting my emotions wind me up, setting me up to take actions that were not necessary (not an unusual occurrence for me). Remembering we had a new system calmed me down.
That night in bed he had wrapped himself around me and I brought it up again.
You know earlier.......about ignoring me I could feel him bracing himself against where this was going
We discussed this earlier...
Yah, I know..... I just want you to understand why.... how I feel about this He sighs and waits
Just as you need to know how I am doing with all of this (DD).......I need to now how you are doing, feeling about it all
Remember I told you the other day, I have been happy, really happy....happier than I have been for a really long time
I know...but I am not talking about overall....I mean how you feel after you had to implement a punishment. Did it bother you? Are you good? Did something not feel right? Just as you need to know...I need to know. When you ignore me, I feel unimportant, invisible.
He was silent
If you say, "It was good, don't ask me for details" and I push for more, we have a system now, we have tools. Give me a warning, if I still push, put me in time out, corner time, lines, swats .....SPANK ME.
Just don't ignore me again, it hurts too much. I would rather you give me the most severe spanking with the worst implement
than to ever ignore you again. I know, I will try not to do it anymore
Thank you
As I was writing Part II of the post, this conversation was whirling around in my head. I saw them as two different issues. As I typed the last word in Part II "sad" I thought about how much more the old form of punishment hurt much more. I realized what my emotional reaction in Part II meant and Part III was born.
I felt peace from the attention I received from my husband for that punishment because it was productive, proactive, healing. We were dealing directly with each other to resolve an issue instead of the way things used to be dealt with before. Being ignored is destructive, counter productive, it never did and it never will resolve any of our problems.
Someone left a poem about this in the comment section of Clint's Blog. I don't remember who, but I copied it down:
A Choice of Weapons
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
Aimed with angry art.
Words can sting like anything,
But silence breaks the heart.
Phyllis McGinley
LOL, I am at peace with finding peace in the attention I receive from my husband during punishment.
It is not how expected this to work, but I hope it is always like this.
As we progress further down this road, I have a feeling I will attempt many times to direct his attention elsewhere. LOL
We discussed this earlier...
Yah, I know..... I just want you to understand why.... how I feel about this He sighs and waits
Just as you need to know how I am doing with all of this (DD).......I need to now how you are doing, feeling about it all
Remember I told you the other day, I have been happy, really happy....happier than I have been for a really long time
I know...but I am not talking about overall....I mean how you feel after you had to implement a punishment. Did it bother you? Are you good? Did something not feel right? Just as you need to know...I need to know. When you ignore me, I feel unimportant, invisible.
He was silent
If you say, "It was good, don't ask me for details" and I push for more, we have a system now, we have tools. Give me a warning, if I still push, put me in time out, corner time, lines, swats .....SPANK ME.
Just don't ignore me again, it hurts too much. I would rather you give me the most severe spanking with the worst implement
than to ever ignore you again. I know, I will try not to do it anymore
Thank you
As I was writing Part II of the post, this conversation was whirling around in my head. I saw them as two different issues. As I typed the last word in Part II "sad" I thought about how much more the old form of punishment hurt much more. I realized what my emotional reaction in Part II meant and Part III was born.
I felt peace from the attention I received from my husband for that punishment because it was productive, proactive, healing. We were dealing directly with each other to resolve an issue instead of the way things used to be dealt with before. Being ignored is destructive, counter productive, it never did and it never will resolve any of our problems.
Someone left a poem about this in the comment section of Clint's Blog. I don't remember who, but I copied it down:
A Choice of Weapons
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
Aimed with angry art.
Words can sting like anything,
But silence breaks the heart.
Phyllis McGinley
LOL, I am at peace with finding peace in the attention I receive from my husband during punishment.
It is not how expected this to work, but I hope it is always like this.
As we progress further down this road, I have a feeling I will attempt many times to direct his attention elsewhere. LOL
Hi Blue Bird,
ReplyDeleteWow - what an honest post. There is a lot of stuff going on there. You two are just covering ground like crazy.
When you said you would ask him to leave, you didn't mean move out? Right? Sorry, I just wanted to clear that up....
Ian was indifferent and sullen to me for years and I was a giant *itch to him, but I know how devastating that silent weapon is on the spirit of love in a marriage.
Good for you guys, you are working on the rough stuff just like us......hand in there. :)
Hi Lillie,
DeleteYes, I meant move out. That is one of my bad habits from the past. I can get really emotionally revved up. It feels like I am running up a mountain as fast as I can with the intentions of throwing myself off. At the apex, I always stop and look over and question if I really want to do this. I usually end up walking slowly back down desperately searching for another way to deal with the problem. And It seems like every time the problem is never as difficult, impossible to solve as I have made it seem in my head. We both have bad habits we need to work on.
I know he is going to forget and start to ignore me as a reflex. However if he does it again I'm not going to freak out about it. I will just look at him with a lifted eye brow and hand him a wooden spoon. LOL! He will understand the message.
Being ignored by your man is probably the most painful thing ever. I think a lot of the time, they don't even realize they're doing it. Men! They just don't get the impotance of talking sometimes. Blue used to ignore me as a way of avoiding an argument. In all honesty, I can look back and understand his reasoning. I was like a pit bull, once I got my teeth into something, I just didn't know when to let it go! You two are working hard and finding your own unique path on this DD journey. Keep up the good work. It's so worth it! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Cowgirl,
DeleteI am part pit bull myself. LOL, That has caused some major fights in our marriage.
I agree, from the time we started discussing DD in April it has change our marriage. It is soooo worth it.
Aha - Now I understand your earlier reactions. Being ignored is very painful even when you know they are doing it in self-defense. You have both grown so much. Yes, old habits are hard to break and there will be backsliding here and there but now you do have the tools to pull yourselves back. Isn't that wonderful. Oh yea, there will definitely be times you want to direct his attention elsewhere. LOL
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great work!
Cat
Thanks Cat! I just found your blog yesterday.
DeleteSilence breaks the heart...how true this is. How very, very true. And how much we would prefer a punishment to being written off and ignored.
ReplyDeleteWhat an honest, moving post.
P.S. If you could please take off your captcha (word verification) it would be SO lovely.
Thanks Ana. It can sometimes feel soul crushing.
DeleteLOL! I would gladly take off captcha, if someone could tell me how to do it? I am still trying to figure out how to add the blog roll to my post.
I'm so glad you communicated your feeling about being ignored. Communication will be your key to success in DD. Good job! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThanks Lilmisses!
DeleteAh hah! Okay, now I understand the end of part 2 better. Sorry for the confusing comment.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on being ignored. If there's something that ttwd really brings alive, it's the attention. Not walking past each other.
I noticed the change in his attention from the beginning. Unfortunately we both have some really bad habit in dealing with each other that developed over almost 2 decades. It's going to take time changing them.
Delete