Punishment....not what I expected Part I

I have wanted to write this post for many days now but I haven't had the time. I am glad it didn't happen before. It has given me time to really absorb what happened and for some truths to float to the surface.

As I have written before, the main rule we are working on right now involves my health. There are several aspects to that, but the main one is exercise. I have a terrible track record with exercise. If it is possible for my husband and I to exercise together, I am great. But the minute his schedule changes and I am on my own, I start dropping off very quickly. He hasn't been able to exercise with me in a very long time, years. When I discovered DD, I really wanted to do this to force myself into taking responsibility for exercising, (LOL) or to have him force me. That was my main goal. It has evolved into other things, but that is another post.

So on the first day of our journey, when we finalized all of the particulars, I was shocked when he said we would be getting up every morning around 4 am to exercise. I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON!

What? You want me to go to the gym with you at 4 in the morning!

Yes, that is the best time. The gym is empty (nah duh!) You have all the equipment to yourself and you get your workout done at the start of your day. 

I should note here that this is the reason I haven't been able to work out with him in years. He had to move his workouts to before the dawn had cracked.

But this isn't what this is supposed to be about. It's not about you dragging me to the gym with you, it is about me taking responsibility for myself and YOU holding me accountable when I don't!

I know that was how you wanted to do it, but this is better. He was firm, resolute.


But...but......sputter, sputter.... 

I know my eyes were hugh, my mouth dropped open and I was looking around actually searching for something to say to him to get out of it.

Look, there are several reasons why I want to do it this way. You will feel better if you get it out of the way in the morning. It won't be hanging over your head all day and it will give me a chance to spend more time with you.

Well, that just knocked the breath out of any of my arguments. Truly, I was touched and it completely subdued me, for about ten minutes. After that I resolved to set my mind to forming a good argument to get out of it. At some point throughout the day I realized I was missing the point. I had agreed to put it in his hands and I was now trying to finagle it back into mine. Dang. I finally accepted the 4 am gym schedule. UGH!

We decided to start slow. He also recently had become out of shape. After years of a rigid gym schedule he had stopped going at the beginning of the year (that is another post). We agreed to get up at  5am to do a workout at home for a few weeks before reinstating our gym memberships. The first two days were great. It went perfectly. We did a yoga tape. OK, stop laughing. He wasn't convince either about yoga but he started off there for me and was surprised at how difficult it was and that he actually broke a sweat. Anyway...

The third day wasn't so great. He has had this cough for several weeks and wasn't getting enough sleep. So he didn't wake up the next day. I was a little let down but totally understood. I debated ...exercise or bed......exercise or bed......I decided since I was insistent this was about taking responsibility for myself, now was the time to do it. So, I exercised. Yaah me!

The forth day, I failed. I woke up in an awful mood. Hormones? Because he didn't wake up again? Lack of sleep? All of the above? I went back to bed.

My mood only worsened through out the day. Moaning Myrtle came up from the cellar to visit and she brought a new friend, Bitter Bertha. I usually don't tolerate Myrtle very well and push her back down in the cellar and lock the door whenever she comes. Bitter Bertha however is new. These two climbed up from the cellar into my head and harangued me all day. Bitter Bertha was the louder, more virulent of the two.

You are so pathetic. You wanted this and you are already screwing it up. It will never happen. Just give it up and resign yourself to never seeing your grandchildren. He is going to be spending his retirement without you. 

I truly have never had this voice in my head before. It was breaking me down, big time.

I managed to subdue Bitter Bertha, duck taped her mouth and kicedk her back down into the cellar and locked the door at the end of the first day. But I shut the door before throwing in Moaning Myrtle. She stopped talking, put hung around for all the next day, morose. At the end of the second day I resolved to ask him to apply the consequences. The guilt was killing me. The next morning he could see I wanted something and asked me straight out what was going on. I told him about failing to exercise and how it was breaking me down in a way it never had before. It turns out he thought I had exercised. He also had noticed the decline in my mood. However, he said we would talk about it that night because we needed to start moving. I accepted that.

We went about the day running errands. Through out the day in little ways he tried to make the day about me. It was nice.

That night we went to our room and began to prepare for sleep. I started to get irritated. He was reading and it was getting late and he had not sent any kind of signal that he was going to open the subject. I wasn't going to bring it up again. It was too demeaning to ask a second time to be punished. Even writing this part is irritating.

I was very careful not to huff when I turned on my side away from him. This is usually my signal (huff and turn) that I am p****d with him and he better put down his magazine and start talking to me. But I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to ask or force him to anything. I wanted him to pick this up himself.

As much as I tried to hide it, I wasn't successful because he turned to me and said

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Are you sure? It seems like something is wrong.

sigh

What is it?

You said we would deal with it tonight.

Are you still feeling bad about yourself?

I realized he had been trying all day to make me feel better.

Yes

What do you think we should do?

YOU are supposed to decide.

I don't want to use my hand on you.

:) a spoon?

:) I was thinking a time out in the living room. Is that all right?

Yes

Ok then

It's not supposed to work like that? You are supposed to give a lecture first.  I know bossy, bossy me! 

Why do I need to give you a lecture when you already know why we are doing this........you know how missing that workout made you feel....... 

and he proceeded to give me a lecture on why he didn't need to give me a lecture. Aaah.. we are on familiar ground. My mind started to drift. I was thinking about how difficult it is to start this whole thing. It is very awkward. Like that first kiss. How do I place my head? Do I close my eyes? What do I do with my hands?  We are uneasily circling each other wanting to do this thing and afraid to make the wrong move.

Suddenly his voice changed from quiet and gentle to quiet, but hard and staccato...



GO




NOW


I popped off the bed like a giant spring in the mattress had been released. Boing! Without another word or look in his direction off I went to the living room. I don't know who was more surprised by that exchange.

So my time out began. I was irritated. I didn't think a time out was really going to do anything, I never had. I thought it was just going to leave me really frustrated. I didn't argue with him because if I want him to lead I need to give him the chance to do it. He is already very skittish about insulting, humiliating or hurting me. He needs to figure out what works and what doesn't. He needs time to step firmly into those HoH boots.The only way to do that is to follow what he tells me to do and discuss later how effective it was.

So there I sat feeling frustrated. At some point I started composing this post. When I realized what I was doing I started laughing at myself. I never really focused on the issue. In a way it wasn't necessary. I had already spent two days beating myself up about it. My mind drifted and I start to think about the day, how he had tried to cheer me up.  We went somewhere for lunch that is not his favorite place, but the sandwiches there had been calling to me for days. We went to a coffee shop and sat outside.  We actually do this a lot, but he usually grabs a newspaper and reads while I people watch. This time he sat next to me instead of across from me and people watched with me as we talked. It was a really nice connecting time. Suddenly, my mood had changed. I felt peaceful. Until he came in and turned on the lights.

Isn't this cheating?

WHAT?

I was expecting to come in to find your face to the wall.

YOU SAID TIME OUT! You didn't say corner time. If you had said corner time I would be there.

Did I? I'll have to be more careful next time. He gesture for me to go to him so I did. He hugged me and asked..

So, do you feel better?

Amazingly, yes

As we are walking to the bedroom he leans down to my ear and whispers...

Good.  If you do this again, next time your punishment will be worse :)

Gulp!