Punishment....not what I expected Part II

Part II of III

So the punishment was delivered, all was resolved and life went on.

Two or three days later I woke up in a grumbly mood.

Why am I the only one up at the crack of dawn again? Why am I getting things ready for the day for kids who are old enough to do some things for themselves? Why isn't he up when he insisted that this was the way it was going to be?

No, this wasn't Bitter Bertha again, more like observations being made without my morning shot of caffeine.

To be fair, he really has been very sick. He was on a round of antibiotics and steroids. He feels so much better, but he still has a persistent cough. Ninety percent of me is understanding of  how hard it is to drag himself out of bed in the morning, unfortunately ten percent is hurt.

So I debated again......exercise or bed......exercise or bed. I decided to exercise. I realized, I wasn't afraid of receiving punishment again, I was afraid of the voices in my head. I was afraid of Bitter Bertha spewing her vitriol and wounding me again. That is why I chose to exercise.

This made me question why this new voice appeared in my head. I have never torn myself down in this way before. Yes, I can be hard on myself, but that voice was annihilating.

Over the next few days, I realized this is part of Domestic Discipline. It forces you to question everything. Why do I act and/or react this way? Why does he act and/or react this way? Why or how did we settle into these patterns, these behaviors? I have had some stunning self realizations with DD starting from the first week I accepted the idea. (again these are for another post) Just as it forces communication and truth between a couple, it forces you individually to face the truth of your behaviors present and past. It won't allow your emotions to be set aside or suppressed. That is what I have been doing I think for years. I knew things would be dealt with in the same manner. It wouldn't change anything so why bother? So the emotions were still there just pushed really far down so they couldn't be seen or heard. I was becoming numb. I think Bitter Bertha may have been down in my cellar for years, ignored.

So that was my realization,  I have not been living in the moment. I remember years ago when that was the key word being thrown about on Oprah. I didn't get it. I thought.... I AM living in the moment.  I  am experiencing life with my family. The ups and downs of each moment of each day. But I really wasn't. I wasn't allowing my emotions to be part of each experience. I was usually dealing with everyone else's emotions and setting mine aside.

Now, since DD they refuse to cooperate. They storm the stairs, burst through the cellar door and take over the highest ground to be seen and heard until they are recognized and dealt with.  LOL, I am a little afraid of who else may be down in that cellar.

I continued to think about the whole incident over the next few days, ....... not working out, the punishment.

I few days later I woke up again in a grumbly mood. Did I mention that I am having a hard time adjusting to this new schedule? I was still by myself. He was still on steriods. I decided not to work out in the morning. He wasn't with me. The whole point of working out in the morning was to do it with him. So, I made the decision to do it later in the day.  Just to remind you if you forgot from the other post, he wanted me to get it done at the beginning of the day so it wasn't hanging over my head.

Just before noon, I forced myself to do it. I unrolled the mat, popped in the DVD, pressed play and started the 26 minute workout. Five minutes into the workout there was a pose that is really difficult to do. I tried, but it seemed to be even more difficult to do that day. I stopped and stretched out on the mat to wait out the pose until the next one. My mind began to wander. I don't remember where it went. I refer to these moments as "skipping through the daisies". Nothing is important, I am not contemplating my problems or those of the world. My mind is literally drifting.  My mind wanders frequently, it has been a family joke as far back as middle school.

Suddenly, I returned to the moment and realized there was only 5 minutes left of the tape. Dang, I am not doing this again. This was a waste. I should have just done it first thing in the morning, when I was fresh and more focused and gotten it out of the way.

Aaaa....wait a minute..... didn't someone say it was better done first thing in the morning?  Oh yah.....He did. (Huff) He was right.

So I resolved to confess that night.

I started to question how effective the previous punishment was. It is supposed to be something that you don't want to experience again. Yet it seemed to have no affect on me what so ever.  It hasn't affected my decisions to exercise or not. However, I remembered a sense of peace coming over me at the end of the time out. Why? Why did that happen?

Suddenly, the answer was there in my head. I couldn't believe it. No, that is NOT the reason. But the truth was there and I couldn't ignore it. It was not what I expected. It was not what I wanted. But there it was.

That sense of peace came from the fact that my husband had made me the center of his direct, focused attention. He was giving me his attention.

No No No No No No.......that is not what this was supposed to be about. We are just supposed to be using DD to resolve issues quickly! To hold me responsible for things I have allowed to slip. How did this happen? I don't want this to be about getting my husbands attention.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to change this .......mind set? or if it is possible to change it.  I am a little weirded out ......and sad by this.