I wake up everyday
planning to be productive
and then a voice in my
head says
"Haha good one!"
and we laugh and we laugh
and then take a nap.
Ttwd can really suck at times. I have a protective mechanism that I have lived with for decades. I have used it for so long I don't even realize when I have turned it on.
Until now. I was hurt by a relative recently and this mechanism kicked in like a generator when the electricity goes out. I barely allowed myself to notice what happened. Everything was cool, everything was all right. Except it isn't.
This ttwd stuff won't allow you to just sweep your feelings under the rug any more.
To give you a little back story I was always viewed as being the golden child in my family. Things always were perceived as being easier for me. So when I expressed hurt, frustration, or discontent with something.....it was dismissed. Eyes would roll and things were said like "Oh Blue Bird", "Oh paleeeeze", or "Give me a break". That started in middle school and 3 decades later it still happens along with comments like "It must be nice" and "yah, you've got it hard".
So I realized NOW, how much this has affected me as an adult. I don't share my true feelings with any one for fear that they will be rejected. By invalidating my thoughts and feelings, you invalidate me.
Yes, even with Rooster.
He asked me if I was hurt by this incident and I denied that I was .......well, because I was still in denial. But he succeeded in stirring up the dust under the rug.
Now that it has surfaced I don't know how to deal with it. I have become numb and basically stopped functioning. I have a lot of things that need to be done and I am distracting myself by doing things that are unimportant.
I can't seem to tell Rooster that yes, I am hurt. I am very hurt. I can't seem to find it in me to ask him for help to get out of this blue funk. Fear of rejection....no, but maybe from hearing the words "I told you so".
You will say to confront the person who hurt me, but it will be dismissed with the response "Oh paleeeze!". I type from experience.
I will have to find the courage to ask Rooster for help. I will.........I will........just as soon as I finish my nap.
Awe Blue Bird,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are hurting right now. TTWD does make us so much more vulnerable in many ways and brings our feelings to the surface.
You are right. Try to find it in yourself to let Rooster in and ask for his help. I doubt very much that his response will be "I told you so". He loves you and wants to help
(((Hugs)))
Roz
Hi Roz,
DeleteTyping it here always seems to help focus my thoughts and take the edge off of my emotions. I messed up two things he asked me to do that day, so he knew I was off and asked me what was wrong. I was ready to open up. He gave me some good advise on how to deal with it. LOL then he became all HoHy on me and ordered me to do it.
All is good now.
Thanks Roz,
Blue Bird
Definitely speak with Rooster about this. I've hidden so many feelings away in my time, and I now know that the sooner you share them with your husband, the better for all concerned. He will not dismiss what you have to tell him, but will very likely see things from a different angle and be able to support you and help get rid of your negative thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAs for the napping - the Spanish have got it right, we all need siesta time! Power naps have been proven to help the body cope with a busy day!
Hugs
Ami
Hi Ami,
DeleteIf I put it on my blog it usually means I am gearing myself up to talk to him and I did that night. You are right, he had his own perspective on it and some really good advise.
He has dismissed these things in the past because I think he felt he didn't have the right to interfere. One of the first things he asked when we started this was, did he have a right to stop certain things between me and my family. Lol he is much more vocal about these things now.
Hugs,
Blue Bird
A few months ago I went through a very similar thing. I 'taught' myself a long time ago not to share, not because I was the golden child but I was the last of several and well quite frankly everyone was 'tired'. I had the equivalent " go walk it off" when I would bring up anything that revolved around feelings, hurt or help.
ReplyDeleteMy point? Well while it wasn't easy to admit to myself or figure out why I didn't share or ask for help. Once I figured it out- Really figured it out, I slowly was able to turn to Barney. *sllllllllllowly* and things are better. The walls of hurt go up, but I am able to turn to him a little faster now. I have somehow managed to tell myself, " you have to- this is what you signed up for when you said you'd share your life" .
Now this is all well and good for *ME* I know. I am just telling you that figuring the 'why' helps more than you can imagine with figuring out 'how to change it'.
Often Barney would read on my blog what was bothering me before. Essentially, blog land would know first. Now I still write, but he reads before anyone. Sometimes things never make it out into the blogasphere and sometimes they do. But he now gets to be part of all of it next. You shared with, now share with Rooster this post ( if you haven't)because this will help him help you. Eventually you will turn to him without the print between you. Well, most times, ( I still have one of those blog posts I was telling you about in my draft folder...BUT he has read it!).
It is possible. I'm living proof! *wink*.
love ya,
willie
( as always, you know where to find me)
Figuring out the why is a hugh step and with this lifestyle the way we deal with it now is very different.
DeleteI don't know if I will ever stop writing these things first, because it really helps focus my mind on the details and takes the edge off of my emotions. But maybe sending it to him first.....? I don't know, we'll see.
I spoke to him that night and he had really good advise. He then became all HoHy and ordered me to follow his advise. LOL
Love
Blue Bird
I hope you have awakened from your nap. Keeping things in is never a good idea for anyone. Now that you've blogged about it, take it to real life and open up to Rooster and whoever needs to hear how you feel.It can be fixed if they don't know its broken.
ReplyDeleteLOL That has been the problem sunnygirl, I have to first figure out WHAT is broken and how. Writing it helps to focus me. I did share with him and he became all HoH and fixed it. : )
DeleteIf Rooster says, "I told you so" that's a good thing. That means he knows you well. Don't look at it as a negative. Plus what will happen after you open up to him will be SO much better. Like sunny said, it's never good to keep things bottled up. You'll feel better once you've talked to Rooster. :)
ReplyDeleteLOL I started the conversation with "I don't want you to tell me 'I told you so'". Later he told me to be prepared for him to deny the request the next time I ask him to do something for my family (I asked him before the interaction with this family member occurred) He then ask "or is that saying, 'I told you so'?" : )
DeleteWe had a good talk and good things came from it.
So say, "Please stop saying 'Oh paleeaze" to me. I need you to understand this hurt(s) me and I am serious." If that doesn't work just smack them in the head really hard and say, "Ooops! Mosquito!!"
ReplyDeleteLOL I question if you have every really been in this situation Sara.
DeleteThey would just roll their eyes again and say, "What's her problem now?" It will always come back to me. : )
But thanks : D
Hi, Blue Bird, I don't think I've commented here before. I've got that mechanism too, just not from being the Golden Child. Maybe mine was like Willie, everyone was too tired by the time I came along or maybe it's because I was the opposite of the Golden Child, I dunno. I really enjoyed this post, also I agree with Quiet Sara, "Ooops Mosquito!" I may try that someday. :)
ReplyDelete