Easier said than done!

So I reread some of my first posts and realized while I had forgotten most of the things I did before in my role of submission, Rooster has actually come a long way. He has moved very slowly, but surely forward.

This is one of the many reasons why I wanted to do DD. In work, projects, volunteering, family issues whatever....I tend to give 150% and then whatever is leftover, is given to those close to me that were left out of that 150% and that leaves nothing for me. My routine, my own interests....are gone. It is one of my best and my worse traits. When that time passes I am left depressed and empty, not sure of how to move forward. There is no balance. Rooster is very proud of the work I do when this occurs, but gets very frustrated and concerned with the extremes.

So I am trying to return to my routine now by remembering the small things I did in my submissive role. One of those things is to be consistent.

It has been easier said than done.

Recognizing I had forgotten most of the things I did before and that I was the one not consistent was the first step, it relieved my stress. It was like I was finally able to take a deep breath and exhale.

Then on friday, the day Rooster was supposed to ask me about my week of exercise and journal he didn't. Deep breath, " I am not in control". Saturday he didn't ask. I felt the tension trying to reach for me with it's craggily claw. I took a deep breath,"I am not the leader, I am not in control." The problem, when I exhaled and released the tension, I was left felling vulnerable and just wanting to cry. Finally, on Sunday we had our coffee date.

I reminded him that I wanted to fill my schedule and get settled into a routine and I needed him to keep me from giving over my own needs for the needs of others. Rooster said our schedule wasn't really disrupted with our recent visitor and I started to get frustrated and suddenly blurted out,

YOUR schedule wasn't disrupted, mine totally was. All I did for three months was drive people from one location to another. It was all about what everyone else needed. I never did take that painting class".

He was surprised, he thought I had taken that class months ago. I wanted to cry again. We talked about what needed to be done to not let this happen again.

We discussed some other issues from the past two weeks, things that were working, things that were not.

Rooster asked me about my exercise and food journal. I only missed the food journal one day. I didn't really eat that day. He started to say,

Well, you will work on keeping your journal and doing your exercise and next weekend we will see how it goes.

I was frustrated and it showed.

What?

Do you realize this is the same thing that has happened for three weeks now? I exercise and keep my food journal or not, you ask me about it, you never look at it and then you say we'll see how it goes next week.

Really? For three weeks?

Yes

and nothing more was said about that.

In my last post I shared with you that I asked him for maintenance to help me remember that I am not in control. I get really stressed and want to move things along. He told me if he saw that I was spiraling he would take care of it and if I thought I needed it to come and ask. I wasn't keen on this idea, but accepted it because he is the leader. It also took me a little while to understand why I didn't like it. I have become really good at expressing my needs to him since I originally brought DD to him. I didn't think that was the problem. I figured it out and I brought it up during our date.

Most of the time I don't think I will be able to come to you and ask because when I feel this way, I am not ready to acquiesce, to submit.......I want to fight.

Rooster understood and promised to watch for it.

We began discussing other things that needed our attention not particularly DD related. Rooster started scrolling on his phone.

The next day was really off. Rooster was snoring all night and I didn't get a lot of sleep. I made up my sleep in the morning after everyone left and didn't get out of bed til 11am. The rest of my day was shot. I hadn't exercised and again I didn't keep my food journal because I didn't really eat again.

I had a serious in-depth discussion with me, myself and I. We came to the conclusion that it wasn't really important. It was decided that the exercise and food journal was my thing and not all that important to Rooster. After all, he never said anything Sunday about it. I pushed this part on him and he wasn't really ready to practice DD in this way to help me with this. So I didn't worry about doing either things. I wasn't testing, I seriously talked myself into this conclusion.

The problem with discussing it only with me, myself and I is that it is a very one sided perspective and excludes the most important perspective, that of my HoH, the leader, Rooster.

When he came home, the first thing he asked was about my exercise and journal. I told him I did neither. When he asked me why, I responded,

You never said anything about it, so I didn't think it was important to you and I decided not to worry about it right now.

I was painfully made to understand that it was important to him and even if I thought it wasn't I should hold it important for myself.

No assumptions. Be consistent. I am not in control. I am not the HoH.
sigh. I have a long way to go.

Really, I should have known better. Sunday when we were having our coffee date and Rooster started scrolling on his phone.....he stunned me by suddenly leaning over and asking me what I thought about what he was looking at.



It was a leather paddle.......WITH HOLES!







The man who initially accepted the concept of DD, but was adamantly opposed to spanking.......

yes,........ Rooster has come a long way.
and I am so far behind





          

           Eeeeeeek! Run!
You think I will ask you for 
maintenance if you have that!!!!
             Yaah, Right!