The Big S Word

When Rooster returned from his trip, in the first 24 hours I knew we had lost some of "this thing we do". I snapped at him when he didn't respond fast enough three different times. He lectured me, big time,  about my attitude while I was occupied with a stressful task. I hate that. Wait until I am free and can focus and respond, please.

We were also dealing with the Maelstrom of Hormones. It turns out I am not menopausal or peri-menopausal.  My doctor informed me that my body was strung out on an overdose of estrogen, believed to be caused by stress. I am now on medication to rebalance everything. Under the influence of estrogen I found it difficult to sleep, now I can't stay awake. My days are flying by, but are not productive. How can they be, when I am always falling  asleep? Sigh, this frustrates me. I am behind in everything.

I have been incredibly frustrated where we are in "this thing we are doing". I have felt that he forgot everything. Everything that was said before between us.........everything we agreed upon...........even his understanding of what this thing was all about. After eight months we were back to square one. I was so frustrated I wanted to whack him over the head, only to jog his memory ; )


The last two weekends we have had big fights. They were very painful. One of the things we didn't lose from DD was the level of open communication we seemed to have reached. This last weekend it was caused by my attitude. I felt I had cause for my "ATTITUDE" and it was justified. I was angry and jealous. My husband and son have a project together. It is a project of about a month. The last two weeks their heads have been together discussing, planning this project. RESEARCHING. Yes, that was the crux of my anger. We have been doing this thing for eight months now and nothing from him on research. A project of less that a month and he literally spent all of his free time researching and then on Saturday they made their move on all of that research and came home with a big purchase as the result. I didn't have a problem with their project together, seriously. My angry was with Roosters inability to lead  decisively in DD and his apparent lack of interest in taking a step forward without me leading him by the hand. I thought I hid my frustrations well, apparently not. Rooster cornered me and demanded to know what was wrong, I resisted, he refused to back down, what followed was a really long and angry and at times bitter fight. He didn't get it. He was making excuses. He was turning away from everything we had discussed and accomplished before he left.


Then he said something that threw me back in my seat. It shut me up, unable to articulate another thought, let alone another word.


"I wish you would just smile at me. When I walk in the door PLEASE, would you just give me a smile!"





A long time ago, someone told me or I read.....that a smile is the simplest, easiest form of charity any person can give. If you have no money, no time or no materials to give, you could still give your smile to someone and it could change that person's day.

I tested this. I attached it to a well known adage "Charity begins at home" and off I went. Fifteen years ago or so, my husband and I were not in a good place. He was angry with me about something and I had no idea what I had done wrong. Everyday he would return from work and I would greet him at the door hesitant and leery about how he would greet me in return. Was he still angry? He was always distant, walls were thrown up. That is how the rest of the evening would go. It was awful. At the end of two weeks, I had enough. When he came home that night, I forced a smile on my face. It was incredibly hard to do, but I did it. He walked in the door and paused for a second, not sure what was going on. Then suddenly his body completely relaxed and he returned a small smile. Whatever bad feelings between us were gone. Talking about it with him weeks later, I discovered he couldn't remember why he had been angry. He was reacting to my expression every night when he walked in the door. We had created a cycle. Each of us hesitant about the other in our greeting and that was interpreted as each of us still upset with the other. So much time wasted. After that I always tried to smile when he came home. Some times, many times I would forget, but usually not for long.


When he made that statement, I realized Rooster hadn't gone back to square one. He was still slowly inching forward. He hadn't lost anything, except maybe a submissive wife.

I am the one who lost everything. I was demanding, insistent, and controlling. I was a real B****.  Now that he was back I wanted what he promised me AND I WANTED IT NOW! I realized, I hadn't smiled at him since I picked him up from the airport.

Sigh



When I did a quick inventory, I discovered I no longer had an inkling of submission in my system.

Nothing.

Trying to rediscover it has been hard. I don't know why but I feel a little apathetic about trying to don that submissive stole again. I am working on it.


It is taking all of my time right now, focusing on the S word.


Sleep


Spanking


Sex


Smiling


Well, yes all of the above, but they all fall under the big S word.




SUBMISSION

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